Moving Forward

Writing Therapy

2011-11-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

flash fiction contest.
one thousand words
subject.... loneliness

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

And all that jazz.

We've been "celebrating" Thanksgiving for the last week or so. I'm beyond sick of Turkey and accoutrements. I'm ready for some thai or other ethnic type foods. Heck even enchiladas.

Can I Bring My Dog?

2011-08-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

My dog is one of my babies. I love my little guy. He's a chihuahua and very persnickety but we suit.
I completely understand people who take their pets with them everywhere.

In that train of thought, I often tell my friends they should feel free to bring their dogs with them when they visit. I believe if I open my home and thus heart to someone, their pets are as welcome as their children. Sometimes moreso, to be honest.

My dog does not LIKE the invasion of four legged visitors. He retreats to my lap and deigns to look on them with a sniff. But after a bit he loosens up and socializes. This is good for him. He already believes he's human. Extended exposure to purely human interaction keeps him spoiled.

I know I have cut short visits due to my pet being home alone, so I think allowing pet visits is a great solution to my friends visiting with carefree time. Especially as most of my friends live at least an hour away. They can visit for some time without concern that their dog is making puddles by the front door.

Perhaps it is an odd allowance but YES you can bring your dog.

Self Check ... A Rant

2011-08-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

We had a minor blip in the radar. Some jokester thought he (or she) had jokes and set our self check background to default to this. "self check is fail" Jokingly, of course.

I did not find it terribly amusing myself. I hear enough grousing every day about how awful self checks are and how they are stealing jobs to last a lifetime. I certainly don't need my self check to agree!

I happen to know for a fact that our self checks garuntee at least fourteen hours of employment a day. They WOULD fail without that attendant keeping them in line. Self check stations just let us help more people at once. This doesn't mean that there would be four registers open with real people at them if they didn't exist.

For example... A grocery chain recently removed their self checks. Instead they installed "fast" lanes for those with twenty items or less at which (in theory) one could be helped by a human. First, the customer is always right, right? So why am I standing with my singular carton of ice cream melting all over my favorite shirt behind that illiterate jerk who stepped up to the "fast" lane with two cart loads of groceries. Oh.. right, because the customer is always right and they won't risk irritating the jerk to tell them to get in the correct line for his (or her) number of items.

This is of course on the one day of the week that anyone has been scheduled to MAN the fast lanes. And on those days when no one was there? I swear I still saw only ONE register open.

How did the removal of the machinery that let me take care of my purchase myself help? Because I'm not seeing the benefit here.

I get that some people just refuse to accept change of any kind. No problem. If you don't like self check DON'T USE THEM. Walking past the open register with the checker to scowl at me at the self check podium makes no sense. I can only assume that your foul mood really has nothing to do with self check at all since you CHOSE to use it. Clearly you must just want to be cruel and nasty to someone and will jump on any excuse.

"If you didn't have these things, you could open more registers."

No. I couldn't. Corporate America may give lipservice about customer service but the fact is, they care more about the profit. And more people working means less profit. Self check is here to stay. For those of us trying to handle a heavy customer load, it's pretty helpful.

Well Good Morning...

2011-07-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

How are you? Did you sleep well?

Today will be a long day. But I'm off tomorrow and Friday. Sleeping in is high on my priority list. Then a total home renovation. The clutter is driving me mad.

The younglings are actually getting serious about job hunting. A little late but better late than never. We've been productive the last few days and I'm hoping the momentum doesn't fade out.

I have no inspiration today. My brain is already at work.

Dear Kat~

2011-07-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

In our lives together you have been so much for me. Most challenging foe, greatest ally, sweetest comfort, best friend, loving sister, wise advisor, humorous entertainer and, above all, most inspiring example.

You are a kind, firm and thoughtful Mom. Your loyalty is hard to earn but unending. You put others first, even when you maybe shouldn't. Your work ethics frustrate you sometimes because other people should have them too! Dangit! You are a dedicated daughter and wife without allowing yourself to be walked on.

You are amazing.

I cannot percieve of a world without you. You make this crazy planet a better place just by being in it. You are my Heroine.

I hope you see many more years of being Incredible. I love you, Sis.

Happy Birthday.

Thinking it through

2011-07-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

if so many things are my fault then i must have incredible power.
if i have such power should i not behave accordingly?

A Little Punch Drunk....

2011-07-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

...one too may hits with a snake.

My girls are back where they belong now. I drove up to Nebraska and fetched them home. Their father was not pleased. Naturally they were unhappy as well until I actually had them. Then they were more than ready to have me take care of them.

Randy and Bob were both sick when they left three weeks ago. Their father was supposed to have their insurance information and thus take them to the doctor. He decided they were getting better so they didn't need to go.

Randy was crying from pain in her chest from coughing last night and Bob spent the day today nauseous. The seven hour drive was fun. We started it with the two of them vomiting. We were lucky Bob had a bag and Randy managed to get us to stop the car so she could get the door open.

It's been a rough two days. I'm very tired. The drive was not as bad as it could have been. A friend came with me to help drive. The surprise visit to my sister was nice. The kids liked seeing her and the cousins.

I'm frustrated and upset with myself. The girls are very ill. I shouldn't have trusted their father, notorious for selfishness, to see to their care. I feel as if I have done nothing but fail lately as a caretaker.

Perhaps some sleep would see a clearer point of view.

Gossipmongers

2011-07-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

I've been the subject of gossip more than once. From the harmless to the malicious, I find gossip irritating in the extreme. Personally or professionally.

Why do people feel the need to take what they THINK they know about someone and spread it around in the most negative way possible?

I try not to gossip. I have caught myself more than once. Anger at someone bubbling up until I feel the need to malign them to someone else to get someone on MY side. But then I look at myself and feel nothing but disghust. How dare I?

Am I so great that I have the right to judge others? Harshly, even?

I think not.

And that is really what gossip is about, isn't it? Judging others harshly.

I have found myself being so proud of me because I DIDN'T say what I was thinking about someone I found distastful. But that's just as bad isn't it? Am I not still judging them?

Good Morning My Funky Darlings

2011-07-09T02:43:00.000-07:00

My day is starting early today. It will be long. Very, Very long. I have my Rockstar, the cute little pink one with the straw I never use. I've taken my vitamins and given hugs to loved ones just heading for bed.

I hope the day will be busy. This never fails to energize me. I thrive under pressure after all.

I will make it good. I've decided and that is that. I hope this holds true for all of you. Have a good day. Enjoy those little things. Like a pink Rockstar at four am.

Being an Ugly Duckling....

2011-07-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

I read a blog called Single Dad Laughing. It is an amazing, inciteful journey into a man who Loves his son and wants the world in which he is growing to be a better place. This, to him, means proactively making the world a better place, one voice at a time. It means looking in the mirror and changing himself and hoping those who choose to follow his journey glean some aid from it. That they may also choose to look in the mirror and make better choices.

He has a book, The Real Dad Rules. Though I am not technically a Dad, as I am female, I fill that role in my children's lives (the double role of both Mom and Dad, just as he does). I'll be reading that book. The exerpts are entertaining and thought provoking. In our world, where traditional boundaries have been so far left behind, I feel I can be a better person for it. A better parent, perhaps.

In one of his posts, he gives an incredibly embarrassing moment of his life. He asks his readers if they would like to give one of theirs. I believe embarrassment is subjective. What others may not see as an embarrassing moment, to us could be life changing. Painful and horrifying in it's magnitude of embarrassment.

I do not comment on his blog. He has so many followers and comments, I feel I would just be another whisper in the throng. But here, I have my voice. Here is my story. Bear with me. It requires some back story.

I was an ugly child. Tall and bone thin and awkward. Introverted to the point of being socilly crippled. I had a lisp. My curly hair looked like an afro of steel wool. My parents seemed more concerned with survivng the invasion of small people in their home rather than actual parenting. As long as we did not bother them, they had no interest in us. My older sister was lovely and popular. My younger sister, adorable and comedic.

I was desperate for affection. For anyone to see me as special. I wanted someone to love me. But I didn't know how to make them. I couldn't change my appearance. I couldn't make people laugh. I could barely say hello to people I had known for years. I had no natural skills. I was neither smart nor athletic. I hid in my books but they just made me ache for that sense of belonging all the heroes seemed to find.

I came up with a plan. It was brilliant. It would fix everything! I would prove myself to my peers and my family would have to love me.

I spent everyday for weeks practicing. I went to organised practices with those experienced in my goal. I pushed myself farther and farther everyday. I watched others and learned from them. Bruises peppered my legs and arms and body from failed attempts but I kept getting back up and trying harder.

It was the first time in my life I can remember being so completely focused. Ambitious even. I was so intent on perfecting my skill, I lost track of the days. The big day came and I was unprepared.

No! My twelve year old heart stopped in my chest as I realised I did not have what I needed to wow my fellow students. A frantic call to my mother found her home, but having coffee with a friend. I begged her to rescue me. To bring me what I needed as soon as possible. Then I stood in front of the school for as long as I possibly could waiting. But she didn't come.

I had worked so hard. By all that was holy I would not let this stop me! I hated my mother for a moment. Then I lifted my chin and walked into the crowded gym. My name had just been called.

I took my place, alone on the gym floor. I was barefoot. I had worn heels and didn't have my gym shoes. My slacks were a sharp black against the worn gym floor stretching out behind me. I had not brought my shorts.

I didn't hesitate. It didn't matter that I couldn't show off my long legs that for once would be an asset. I didn't care that every step would pound my unprotected feet. This was what I had worked for and I knew... I KNEW.. that I was good. That my dedication would show. For that brief time, I was confidence.

I was skill. I was trying out for the cheerleading squad and I was precision. I KNEW it with every fiber of my being. Spine straight, shoulders back, voice clear and loud. I finished with a flip into a half split that had the entire crowd wincing at the impact of my knees on the hardwood.

The laughter was soft at first, interspersed with the polite applause of students forced to be nice by the teachers around them. As I took my place in the bleachers, though, it grew until it was all I could hear. How funny it was! To see that scrawny little freak trying to be a CHEERLEADER! Oh, what a good joke!

The voting was completed and everyone dismissed to their classes. I voted for another girl whom I felt had done a very good job as well. After all, it's rude to vote for yourself.

For thirty eternal minutes I sat in my seat, eyes unseeing, body stiff, laughter ringing in my ears as I waited for the final bell. Finally, the announcement came over the P.A. system. The winners and next year's cheerleaders.

But they didn't just give the names of the winners. The numbers of votes each person got were announced as well. My name and the number...one. My friend had been there. As well as my sister and her cronies. And still...one vote. That wasn't mine though everyone assumed it was.

Devastation. Humiliation. As these waves are crashing over me I see her. My mother. Walking toward the door of the classroom with a pair of shorts and tennis shoes. Woodenly I rose, stopping several steps away from the bored irritation on her face. Nevermind, I told her in a dead voice. It's too late.

She shrugged and left. I hated her. I hated everyone. I hated myself. How could I have been so stupid? How could I show my face again at school on Monday? Now everyone had seen me wanting more. Trying for more.

I walked the mile home alone, crying my agony and humiliation in ragged wails of misery. No one stopped me. When I reached home, my mother asked me wh I was crying. I explained what had happened thinking for a moment that the plan might have worked after all in some small way. Here was my mother, noticing my pain and actually caring enough to ask about it!

"That was dumb. Don't you know that's just a popularity contest?" She asked before turning back to her friend and cards with a disbelieving snort at my stupidity.

I stopped crying. Standing in the kitchen with my face swollen and aching, my heart pounding at my ribcage as if it would rip away, I looked at my mother's back and made a decision. I couldn't make anyone love me.

I would stop trying. And I did. I stopped trying at everything. Why bother? Doing nothing is less painful than trying and being embarrassed.

As an adult I look back and I just want to take that lost child aside and let her cry in my arms and whisper that secret a child can never know. The future changes us all. Nothing is static. I want to tell her she had value just for herself as she was. I want to tell her I love her.

I want to give her hope.

I think wanting to save that little girl has helped me with my own girls. They will never doubt they are loved. They will never doubt their value. And though sometimes they might get lost, they will always have my light toward which they may turn.

A quiet moment....

2011-07-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

Last night, Evelynn and I and several friends watched Sucker Punch and Battle Los Angeles. After I got off work, of course. We stayed up until five in the morning. Everyone else is still sleeping. I'm enjoying a quiet moment before the day gets hectic.

We have Beastly in the queue as well as job hunting. The younglings want to go to the club tonight. I'm ambiguous on that count.

Evelynn feels as if I am nagging her incessantly about getting a job. And perhaps I am. The help with the financial aspect would be most welcome. But more than that I want her to see she is in a dangerous rut. She needs to get motivated and get her life rolling.

Playing alll night and sleeping all day and letting someone else see to the minutia just won't work for her anymore. She's nineteen and needs to begin being responsible for those little things like bills and furthering her education. Balancing work with social activities. She won't want to live with me forever. I have to make sure she can successfully navigate the world without my steady hand controlling things.

Not that I am an expert in these things. Everyday I learn something. Develop further into stronger capability. I'll likely never stop. And I think I like that.

I never know what I am going to learn or from whom. My youngest child or a new friend, everyone brings new things to my eyes. Even people I can barely stand have shown me things I didn't know. Sometimes about myself.

How sad would it be to live life with blinders on never seeing those little lessons?

Summertime Blues

2011-07-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

Randy, Bob and Tori are gone for the summer. They are having their visit to their father's, who has moved to Nebraska. I worry for them. I am too far away to rescue them or help them in any way.

The house is too quiet. No bickering or laughing or video games or music as I walk down the hallway. No calls at work to see if they can go swimming or to church with this friend or over to that friend's house.

Work is getting better though, since I have had nothing else to focus on. I still struggle with getting myself organized. This has always been my weak point. I am thinking about so much all at once that I never seem to get a focus on just one thing. I have a hard time getting things finished. I would have thought it would be easier with four dedicated subordinates to help complete tasks. I was certainly wrong in that.

I feel as if I have this strange dedication that I cannot seem to impart to others. Care! Just care about this! It doesn't seem to matter to people. Yes we work in retail but that doesn't mean it has no value!

I have this crazy notion that I can make work a better place to be if I can just get everyone on board with my way of doing things. But no one seems to want to work that hard. And I do work hard. My body is aching by the time I come home. My mind feels battered and abused. I'm emotionally exhausted from trying to disguise my frustration and irritation.

I've never been able to hide my emotions. I try but apparently my face shows what I am thinking whether I like it or not. So my task is getting to the point that I don't GET irritated or frustrated. How in the world do I do that with something that matters to me? I don't do things I don't care about. So to be successful at work I have to care. To care means ... irritation and frustration at failure or roadblocks.

I will not fail! I will NOT. I've spent tooo much of my life walking away from fear of failure and embarrassment. I am done with that behaviour. I lead the largest department in my store. I have the largest number of associates to assess and grow. I would rather NOT drag them along kicking and screaming. But I haven't figured out yet how to make them run along beside me.

One wants my job and will do anything she can to get it no matter how underhanded that requires her to be. She's hard to combat with her nefarious lurking and slander campaign. I refuse to stoop to that level. Others just want to show up and do nothing or the bare minimum. I don't have enough people to let anyone slack off. And it isn't fair to the few who work hard.

I want my girls to see me as successful. I want them to see that hard work, professionalism and perseverance are the only way to behave in the work place. They will be adults soon, though I am happy to let that wait. I just want to do something right for a change.

Charizma Evelynn, My Oldest Angel~

2011-06-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to believe we have had each other for nineteen years. Longer really. When I learned you were coming it completely changed my life. All the things I did changed. I wanted only the best for you.
I had seen what a careless approach could do with a child. It was not until you were resting beneath my heart that I realised how much I had learned from the tragedies around me. No more smoking or drinking. No more crazy nights with questionable aquaintances. I became choosy with my friends, my diet, my time.

You saved me from myself before you took your first breath.

You were two weeks overdue. Even then you were content to stay right where you were. Labor had to be induced, then lasted twenty four hours before we went to surgery. As the surgeon was lifting you free from my body your grandmother asked, since everyone knew you would be a boy, what if it is a girl?
I said you would have lots of hair and your fathers attitude.

And I was right. You came free screaming indignation at being disturbed. Your hair was thick and dark and very long. And you loved to sleep. It would scare me how well you slept. Until the colic. You only suffered two weeks of that misery, but it seemed like an eternity. Once we got past that colic, you went right back to sleeping like a rock. And I went right back to being scared of it.

You were a precocious toddler, learning to speak quickly. You were not afraid of anything or anyone. Your favorite snack was sharp cheddar and you would ask for that before candy. Although, when you were three someone *coughgrandmacough* gave you whoppers and you refused to eat anything else for three days.
I would set your meal in front of you and you would ask for whoppers. An hour later I'd take the untouched food away. It was hard watching you be hungry. But I out-stubborned you. After that we agreed you could have a handful of whoppers after dinner if you had eaten your meal. Our first compromise.

We've seen a lot of compromises since then. It's a lesson you learned amazingly well. I've watched you use that skill with your sisters. When you aren't just bullying them into doing what you want.

When your first sister came along you were so excited. You loved having a baby sister. She was your doll and you loved holding her bottle and feeding her nilla wafers. You gave her your oreo once and thought it was amazing the chocolate mess she made. She always got half your oreos after that. I stopped buying oreos and switched to a less messy cookie. I loved how you shared, but the mess was unbelievable!

Then Bob came along. You came up to the hospital to see the new baby so happy. You were almost five. You took being a big sister very seriously. You just had to see the new baby right away. So you climbed up into the chair by my hospital bed and smoothed down your skirt over your knees so your lap would be comfy. Your stepfather carried the baby over and was handing her too you as you said "Oh Boy! My baby brother!"
"No, honey." I said. "We have another sister."
Thank goodness your stepfather hadn't gone far because you pushed poor Bob away from you and said "Well trade for a brother! I already have a sister!"
You were very upset and I had to promise to let you help name her before you would accept that we were taking home that little girl. Thank goodness we were in your Aladdin phase. I don't know if your sister would have liked a Lion King name. But Jazmine suits her just fine.

You started school the next Autumn and made me so proud of you. You were the only girl in your class with light skin. To you, that meant nothing. You did ask me why everyone else had such a good tan and you didn't. You were a little jealous. You have always just seen people, never skintone. That's pretty awesome of you. You had one or two kids pick on YOU for being white but you were so confused they stopped. It just wasn't any fun. And you were so sweet.

Then we moved and Tori came along. By now you were seven and we were on our own. Just me and you girls. You took another sister in stride. You showed Randy and Bob how a bib sister should act. How to hold a bottle. How to wind up a swing. Why you couldn't share your cheerios with the baby. (They choke on them.) You loved school.

You've grown up helping me raise your sisters. Sometimes I wish I hadn't needed your help. I tried very hard to make sure you still had plenty of kid time. But at the same time, we are such a close family unit. You girls argue, but heaven help anyone outside our unit who tries to harm one of us. Suddenly five fierce females bear down as one. With you as the avenging angel at the front.

You still take being the big sister very seriously. You take time from your own life to watch programs and see games. You help with homework when you can and pick outfits and do makeup.

People ask you if you want kids and I have heard you say "I've raised mine already."
This makes me sad. I wish I could go back and take some of that burden from you. And yet, the bond I see between you four is so rare for this day and age. You will always have each other. No matter what. I trust that if I were gone you would still be a strong family.

I trust that YOU, my Evelynn, would make sure of it.

You've made choices that I worry over sometimes. And you can be impulsive and brash. But you are always true to yourself. This is so important. Your honesty may hurt sometimes. But it isn't meant to. You don't TRY to hurt people. You just tell the truth. I don't know how you became so amazing. I only know you are.

I know that it hurts when people look at you and underestimate you. Someday, you will realise that this is not necessarily a bad thing. I know there are days when brash alone is what gets you through the bullcrap.

And there are times when I shake my head at your approach. But at least you approach. So many people don't even try. You not only try, you more often than not succeed. Because to you, that's just how it's going to be.

At nineteen you are an amazing blend of wise woman and playful child. Your sudden smile lights up a room.
I cannot wait to see what twenty five holds for you. You are storming the castle and the world doesn't even know it yet. Do I think it's gonna work? Absolutely. You are a miracle.

My Life is Full of Laughter

2011-06-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

...and I'm so glad of it.

Sitting on the porch after the storm, the air redolent of wet grass with a slight ozone tinge from the frequent lightning. Six of us laughing over random silliness interspersed with glitter and rainbows and "giggling, happy leprechauns!"
I should be in bed as I have to work in the morning. But it's so nice to laugh. I can always sleep some other time. These small moments are nice. They may not save the world but they save me.

And I think my girls like them too. They laugh alongside me. And that's nicest of all.

Ahhhhhh.. a needed break.

2011-06-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

I spent the evening enjoying the singular company of an very sexy GROWN UP. I love the girls and the kids. I enjoy them and their antics, even when they lead to stress. Sometimes I forget I need some balance.

Conversation. Drama free. Mature.
Intimate even. Though that isn't always necessary or even included. Just being appreciated for my company without need of direction.

It's unbelievable how refreshed I feel. A few hours of relaxed laughter with no demands. I do believe I'm ready to dive back in with a smile and a new attitude.

The girls were so supportive. They made sure I had time to myself. When I got home they'd cleaned and organised a few things. It was amazing! They even did laundry. AND PUT IT AWAY!!

Yes. The world is ending.

I'm in such a great mood. I believe I will go to bed and have sweet, soft dreams of happy places.

Larping fun....

2011-06-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

Since I have begun Larping again I have renewed friendship of old nd made new ones. It seems odd to me at times to have people with whom I can speak who are not related to me. It has been a very long time since I have had face to face friends.
I like it.

The girls have thrown themselves headlong into the fray with me. My warrior child, Charizma is amazing to see. Brash and bold and sometimes braver than she should be.

Myranda is the healer, no surpise at all. She's in the back of the group keeping people on their feet and moving forward.

Syrina is our swiss army knife. She does a little bit of everything. She has become a beast of an archer.
Victoria cannot play fully yet as she is too young. But shes always practicing with us. When she can play, she will be beast at everything! Packets, sheild, sword. She'll do it all and likey know the rules better than some of the oldtimers. She makes a great page for now, carrying and fetchng and running messages.

I am just a mage. I heal. I do a little damage. I dodge a LOT. And the guys have discovered I'm very good at running. There is no shame in running away. Especially if you are running toward the baddest fighters around and know they'll fight anything that is following you.

Together we have a well rounded set of skills but that isn't all we have. The others in our group round us out beautifully. My in game "son" is questing to be a knight. He protects us with shield and sword and an uncanny abilit to understand what I say when I say nothing at all. We have another archer and many more mages.

I'll be picking up a sword soon to give us more blades. We really have a shortage of those. For now, I try to keep things from getting close enough to need a melee weapon. I improve daily with my aim. We all do.

It is very nice to have something to share with my girls that is so fun. Forget monopoly on Tuesday nights. We create costumes and weapons and armor together and beat people up with sticks! How's that for family bonding time?

Human Again

2011-06-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

I've just awakened, though it is two in the afternoon. What a slugabed! You might say. But I have my reasons! Say I.

Our group went to Akon this last weekend. I was scheduled for vacation for the ninth through the twenty third but work decided they couldn't live without me and canceled it on me. So instead of Monday off to recover I had to be at work at five am. No recovery at all. So today I recover. I wanted to swim but the Mom Taxi has been called which means no relaxing for me.

Raising four girls alone has been one adventure after the next. Now that I have four TEENAGE girls, it's even more thrilling. I find myself enjoying the ability to reason with them. Letting them make some of the hard choices. Though sometimes I forget how truly exceptional they are.

It takes interacting with the other kids who hang around to remind me. I wonder if I did my girls a disservice making them so strong and independent. So capable and confident. Some days they have heartache because of other people and their reactions to them. Some people simply cannot relate to girls who really don't want to be rescued.(By anyone but me. I can rescue them all dayand it's fine.) And as a group, their is nothing my girls cannot do. When they work together they are a sight to behold.

Charizma Evelynn is the leader of course. The oldest and most outspoken, she's nearly nineteen and a complex mix of adult and girl. The woman she will be depends so much on these years. I monitor the people around her VERY closely. Though some would never agree with me, she has grown fond of a man who is much older than her and their relationship is so good for her.

Myranda has found her voice. Sixteen and sweet as a cool breeze on a muggy day, everyone sees her as the quiet tender heart. Then they do something she sees as wrong and she takes no time to inform them of their misstep in her soft reasonable way. You cannot help but feel like the lowest life form when she corrects you because if SHE is doing, it really must be true.

Syrina has decided to join the world. Where once she would hide in a corner and do her own thing, she has discovered the fun of being a part of something. She now tries to get people to do what SHE wants and very often succeeds.

Victoria. She is the culmination of all of us. Outspoken, brilliant, studied, clever, kind when it suits her. Peope around us often forget she is only twelve. She speaks with authority in her voice and confidence in her body language. And if you don't believe her, that's your problem. She needs no one's approval. (But mine, which works for me.)
We've all grown up. We're still growing though the girls are the sight to behold. Everyday they amaze me.

Life is not simple. We struggle to make ends wave at each other. Being a five female household there are days that peace has packed its bags and moved to Toronto. But there is always love. We can snip at each other but the Universe help anyone outside our circle who picks on one of us.

We pick up strays and that's just part of our day. "Who's this?" "This is Rachel. I'm keeping her." Well okay then. And we do.
No matter how much or little we have the girls share with each other and their friends. I'm so proud of how unselfish they are. They all have moments when they want what they want, but truly deep down, they coudn't keep for themselves if they knew what that meant.

It's me again Margeret

2011-01-12T05:41:00.000-08:00

Two Posts! In a row! The world must be ending.

I've been working overnights. The kids are off to school before I get home, or at about the same time. I miss the little darlings but it does make it easier to get to use my own stuff.

Tonight, last night, whatever, the last shift. The shift I just ended... there that works... was hairy. I'm sore from here to there and it's too damn cold and I'm too damn tired to get the lid off the hottub. The hottub would feel great, but it's too much effort for me right now. I'm kinda thinking I might try anyway, but then I open the door to go outside and that's that all over again.

I'll just cuddle with my pillow and my dog and pretend I had a soak.

My "day" started out pretty good. I ran to the costume shop and browsed for a bit. Picked up some more ear tips. Eyeballed some costumes. Manhandled some cute shoes.

Then I wandered homeward for fighter practice with the kids. That would be the large group of teensomethings that larp with the girls and I. We even had a special guest. One of the "oldtimers" came and sparred with us. In the cold. Having someone with a decade of experience makes a difference especially when someone has a question about rules.

Then a rushed meal and work. But when I got to work the things I planned to do got trashed because my boss decided to do something else. Or rather, she decided I needed to do something else. It's really frustrating to think "Hey, I'm going to get so much done!" and then be told "You have to backtrack and get further behind so we can have THIS." And I garuntee they will change their minds so I have to undo it.

I HATE double work!

It was a hard, discouraging night. I crawled in bays and between racking and moving seven pallets of tile one box at a time by hand. My biceps were twitching on the way home from the extended work out. And my back. And my shoulders. Hell, it all wants me to just curl up and croak.

And I'm back for more tomorrow night! Yay!

Still Alive

2011-01-11T03:57:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy I haven't had the time to fight for my computer long enough to post. Who knows what this new year will hold for me. I am hoping it will be good.
Better than the last at least.
Not that the last year was all bad. I did lot of learning. Maybe some growing too. I made some reconnections with old friends and that is turning out really well. I'm LARPing again.

I had forgotten why I liked it. Though to be honest, I don't think I have ever had as much fun previously as I am having now. The combination of those in charge and those playing is really fantastic. You can tell when someone enjoys what they are doing. The caring makes it that much better.

I have a new romantic interest. Though I don't know that that is really an accurate term. I suppose it would be classified as a friend with benefits by most but that isn't accurate either. I do know that I really like the guy as a person and I trust him. I could walk away from the physical part and we would still be friends. Though I would be sad to do so. We are REALLY compatible in the physical department. We have a lot in common.

I feel like writing lately, though I still don't have the time. I sometimes wonder if I ever will again. I volunteer at work for all of the little writing projects they get. That helps and hurts. I would rather be writing fiction instead of couching the daily grind in lovely terms of positivity. But I write and it is appreciated. That's nice.
Feh.

I am helping on a filming project. A friend is creating a pilot for a game show based on the video game Left For Dead. I'm helping with costuming and digging up people to be extras. They need lots of zombies!
I think it will be fun if the weather cooperates.

The next two weeks are going to be so busy with the Larp event and the film shoot and inventory prep at work and having a social life at last. I might complain about not having time but the truth is, I'm happy. I miss writing. But I get a lot out of all the social interaction. it's pretty satisfying.

Respite

2010-08-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm gaming this evening. I am looking forward to it. After so long of no face to face gaming I thought I would be rusty but it seems that gaming is like riding a bike only easier. You never forget.

The group is large and young and almost exclusively comprised of noobs. I'm using 2e. Bwahahahahaha! I WILL bring the goodness back.

Ahhh sweet memories of fabulous cool.....

2010-08-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

That snow stopped things for two whole days last winter. Texans apparently don't know how to deal with such things. As a transplant I had no issues.

Now... in August, when we have had fifteen days in a row of temperatures over one hundred degrees farenheit... I wish I was standing in all that glorious snow. Plus I could wear my amazing boots.

sigh

2010-06-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Charizma, Gramma and I leave for our week long cruise. I am so looking forward to it.

My feet and calves throb from the constant walking on concrete. In the past I have taken small vacations every three months or so. The last year has not been like that. So I am feeling the stress. Two of the DH's at work (both women) have been in casts recently due to stress injuries from...yes.. walking on the concrete. I fear I am fast approaching such a fate but *I* don't have health insurance so would NOT be visiting a medical professional.

The three younger girls have been with their father for the past few weeks. I don't like it. This is now more time he has spent with them in in one shot than he has given them altogether over the last five years. I worry that he's going to bring them back and then go back to business as usual. No calls or contact for another year. The girls were used to nothing. Now that they have had nearly a month I fear their expectations will be raised only to be crushed all over again.

I hate what he's doing to them. I want to hope that he's trying to change. But I cannot. He is still smoking and drinking and until his addictions change, his behaviour won't either.

All I can do is be the steady influence they have always known and hope it's enough.

West of the Pecos...Or... The taming of the Rizimus

2010-06-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

That's Charizma in the white apron. She's playing Louise in the play West of the Pecos. This play is being performed by he local community theater that is one hundred percent volunteer based. Even the guy who mows and cleans is volunteer. Surprisingly, they have a LARGE crew.

Charizma tripped into this by simply hanging out with one of her friends who is one of the leads in this play. She did not audition but since she was there and they needed someone to read for people wh couldn't be there for rehearsal, when someone dropped out, she was handed the part. She has fit in so well they are signing her up for one of their internship spots for next season. AND they have a scholarship program for which she is being considered for next ear.

She has not skipped a show. She hasn't skipped a rehearsal. She hasn't even ditched once for working on the stage. She's been so reliable in fact that the group has accepted her as one of them as if she has always been there even though she has actually only been there a couple of months. If she had shown one tenth the devotion to her school work she would not have bombed her junior year. We wouldn't now be searching for an alternative school that will let her work at her own pace so she can make it up and still graduate on time.

As disapointed as I am in her performance at school... I am so glad she has found something she loves that is bringing out the person I knew she could be. Successful, determined, talented.

The play is hilarious. Charizma is the comic relief in a comedy. And she carries it off beautifully.

Walkin' a mile in the sloth's shoes

2010-05-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

Actuall the opposite. I couldn't go that slowly if I was sleeping. Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble sleeping.

The promotion at work is nice. I'm settling in and finding my pace. I flat out told my people to stop doing my work so I could learn it and one of them said no. I'll be changing his mind soon enough. There is enough stuff to be done without multiple people doing the same thing.

I have already made some changes, small things really. But the goal of them is to get the people to become a team. If I can get them all on the same page for one small thing, it's a simple step from there to the big stuff.

I never expected to go into the department and create miracles. But I feel that we CAN improve if I make teamwork and morale a priority. We better or my butt is toast.

Randy hated the strep throat but she's feeling much better now. I had to constantly nag her about pushing he fluids. Some days she is so grown up and then others she's my baby. Needing constant care.

I have to get up and get to work in six hours. I better get to bed.

*sigh*

Maybe I will get another ghostly back rub.

Dear Charizma

2010-04-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

Before you I wasn't even a shadow of the person you know today. I know you probably don't believe that but it is very true. I was wild and irresponsibe. I didn't do drugs but I liked to party hard and the people I surrounded myself with were hard and mean. I was confronted on several occasions with life threatening situations from which I escaped on sheer bravado. By daring these hard people to "Do their worst". Yes, even then I lived by movie quotes.

Then you came into being. I had decided I had no right ever having children because I had wrecked my own life and I wouldn't do that to another human being. Especially one who could not make choices for themselves. But there you were. Beneath my heart, growing and healthy despite me.

Once I heard your heart beat I was hooked. You changed my perception of the world and of myself. You changed what I wanted to be. Though I had always dreamed of more than I was or had, you gave me the strength to begin working for that more. That better.

You saved me, Baby. Have I ever thanked you for that?

I know that I haven't always made the best choices. I know that we have had some difficult times. You are so strong. Stronger than most seventeen year olds we know. You are an old soul in that beautiful face. I want to apologise for my part in the heartaches you have seen.

But at the same time I know that those lessons have made you who you are. A giving, caring, snarky, witty personality who never settles for less than she deserves. No matter what has happened I have always been there to protect you to the best of my ability. A trait you have taken on for yourself. I see you protect others who cannot protect themselves and I am so very proud of you.

I know that it is hard for you, not having a father to turn to when you think I am unfair. No seventeen year old should have to say their father has died. You had to face that truth when you were thirteen. The anger of losing your Dad the way that you did is still there sometimes. I see it and I see the hurt and I ache for you. Yet you stand tall when someone makes some hurtful comment about suicide. You stand up for yourself and you make them see why what they said was wrong.

I don't want you to have just those memories of him. I don't want you to go through your life with just the anger where your love for your Daddy should be. I know that you hear your grandparents talk about him. But their stories are always tinged with sadness and just a little censure. He wasn't all bad, you know.

Have I ever told you that every day he tried to teach you how to say "expeditiously"? He wanted that to be your first word. Before Mama or Dada. You didn't say that until you were almost four, but he tried his hardest.

Did you know that he would sit in his old blue recliner that tilted badly to the right with you tucked in the crook of his right elbow and read out loud from whatever book he had in front of him? I would stand in the doorway of the kitchen or the nursery and laugh so hard (as quietly as I could so I didn't interrupt) as he read monster manuals and DMG's and player's guides in silly voices that always made you smile and giggle.

He would play with your toys, laying on the floor beside your blanket, holding them up so you could reach for them and kick at them. He loved you deeply.

He just didn't know how to be more than that. I know that if he were still here you and he would be very close. He wanted to be your father, he just didn't know how. And I didn't know how to help him.

The weekend before he died, you called him out. You told him you wanted more from him. That you expected him to play a bigger role in your life. You were twelve. And already so strong. So knowing of yourself.

Later you blamed yourself for his actions. You asked me if he would have done what he did if you hadn't been so hard on him. Yes. He had already made up his mind by then. Nothing you said or did caused that choice. But he at least knew you loved him enough to care. I think that was important.

You let him know you cared. And while it wasn't the goodbye you deserved, you at least said what needed saying. Remember that.

Sometimes I worry that not having a man in your life in a paternal role will make it hard for you to ever find someone you can trust. Then you make a choice like dumping your boyfriend for pushing you to kiss him when you weren't ready to do so. I worry less after things like that.

I hope you never stop talking to me about these things. Not just because I know what's going on with your life. But also because I get to see, really see, your strength and how you think. You share yourself with me unabashedly and it makes me feel so honored to know you.

You are my daughter, but you are also one of my heroes. I hope you only continue to grow into the woman I see forming. I am better for having you in my life.

I love you.

Mom

New things around...

2010-04-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

I got a droid which so far I adore. I like all the little bells and whistles which are not SO far fetched I cannot figure them out. Checking my internet haunts while out and about is super DUPER awesome. Randy especially likes the youtube capabilities.

Rizzo is actually sticking to her word and working hard at school. Her teachers are in mortal shock. And her friends think she's come down with a strange fever. But she's doing it.

Work is about to get VERY interesting. I got the promotion I was looking for. So now I have a department with all manner of BIG issues that will be simply dumped in my lap. There you go. When you have time later we will get to that training you needed.

I am trying very hard not to be a nervous wreck.

Try This One....

2010-04-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Rizzo is very intelligent. She is. Well read, clever... she's a tough one to get one over on. She is also very stubborn though I couldn't say where she gets that from.

She is passing at school. That's about it. No one is going to say she's a hard worker. She skates through her classes and she ADMITS she does. She will easily and honestly say she's lazy. She does not want to work hard if she doesn't have to do so. I cannot get it through her head that is is BAD.

So.

I have set her a challenge.

The next two weeks she has to try her very hardest in every class. No matter how much homework that means she has to do every night. Her absolute hardest.

If she does this... I will give her fifty dollars on the fourteenth day. Also...her curfew gets pushed to midnight for the duration of the summer. After some suspicious looks she couldn't find a down side besides the work itself and agreed.
Starting Monday, she will be working her absolute hardest. In school. In the beginning of the last six weeks of school. By the time the next two weeks are done, she will be in the testing and flake off time before school ends. I HAVE JUST GOTTEN MY DAUGHTER TO WILLINGLY AGREE TO STUDY FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT GRADES OF THE YEAR. The tests.

I did NOT point this out. And I won't. Until we have completed the challenge and I ask her teachers how she's doing. The point I am trying to make is that the effort DOES matter.

I know I'm right. And hopefully she sticks it out and finds out for herself in two weeks.

LOooooong Day

2010-04-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

I should have been able to sleep in. I should have had a relaxing day, not having to work until one in the afternoon. But Nooooo. I have to VOLUNTEER for things. So I was up and rambling at nine getting pizza for work for the group that won the Penny wars. Then back home to change for work and back to the pizza place for the second wave. Then off to work.

Not that I am complaining. I had my interview with the store manager for the supervisor position. It went well. He talked money. I am excited and hopeful. It willl be jumping in with both feet. He warned me that he needs someone to own the department right away. Fortunately I feel pretty confident I can do that.

Then work work work.

The rain was nice though. It started easy and just kept coming. No deluge or wild wind. Just a soft rain that we needed.

Randy has been home from school the last two days and she is not happy about it. She's feverish and coughing and all stuffy headed. And of course she can't do the fun stuff if she is too sick for school. Her best friend's birthday is Sunday and she can't go. Most definitely not a happy fifteen year old. She hates being sick but who doesn't? I got a text from her today that read "My heads hurts so bad I can barely text!"

Sick child indeed. (Yes, I did chuckle. I couldn't help it.)

Rizzo was complaining that her boyfriend had a curfew and if she mowed like she said she would they would not have time to go out. I looked at her (She had missed the bus and walked over to work from the school for a ride home on my lunch break.) and asked "Why don't you ask him to come help you? Then it will get done in half the time and you are still spending time together."

"Well that would make too much sense!" She said.

The yard looks great.

We have the Cowown Brushup tomorrow. I still won't get to sleep in on my day off but at least it's for a good cause. Habitat for HUmanity picks low income families and paints their homes. We provide the workers. So if it's not still raining, Rizzo and I and a bunch of coworkers and their kids will paint all day tomorrow in Fort Worth. It's a lot of fun and worth every minute of the lost sleep.

If only I were sleeping now......

Floating........

2010-04-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

The pink daisies were a picture I took myelf. I have always love photography but I am NOT a natural. I have no eye. Occasionally though...I get a good one.

I had an odd day today that defies description.

Wandering.........

2010-04-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping but we know how that goes.

Riz is back with her ex boyfriend. A first for her. She doesn't usually give second chances. I am hoping she knows what she is doing. It's hard to let her make her own choices without trying to change her mind sometimes. But I know that some things simply HAVE to be. Some mistakes Have to be made. I can still hope this isn't one for her sake. I hate to see her hurt.

My own romantic life is hardly a good exmple for anyone. The four ex husbands attest to that.

Wedding Cake

2010-04-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

The one thing about my most recent marriage debacle that was wonderful. The cake. It was made for me by a friend. It was his gift to us. It was spice cake with cheesecake layers.

SINFULLY delicious. And beautiful as well. Those green things are mint leaves. They matched my sweater.

Late night blues

2010-04-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

I worked late and have to go in early so naturally I have a migraine trying to hit and I cannot sleep because of nausea. Tomorrow we (The emploee committee at work) are having a bake sale. This is a good fundraiser as the goods are donated and it i all profit. Not man people signed up though so I called the house and asked my third born, Syrina, to bake a few things for me. When I got home she had most of it but said she had waited on the rice krispi treats as she wanted to do those with me.

I got a little misty eyed. So we made four pans of treats together. It was fun...even with the nausea and light sensitivity and noise intolerance. And while we were doing that Mom asked Randy to do some small chore. But she ASKED. She didn't demand or snap. It was very nicely done and I made sure to tell her so.

I know Mom doesn't LIKE being mad. I know she sometimes just cannot help it. Menopause is rough. It is. I don't know personally but I do understand the process. I keep reminding the girls that she WILL even out soon. Menopause doesn't last forever.

So it was a decent night setting aside the not feeling well. And the fact that tomorrow is going to suck for energy. I'm going to be wiped. And the workplace is likely to bee an all out zoo. Beautiful weather, three day weekend, Easter holiday. I predict we sell more mowers and trimmers than we can keep up with. And since every one HAS to go through my desk....that's going to keep me hopping. On a day when my hopper is going to be more of a limper.

*sigh*

Guess I'll try laying down again and see if the nausea has slackened at all.

Oh...and I am using that bonus to buy my girls the whole Anne McCaffrey Pern series off of Amazon. I cannot wait to see their reactions once they start reading them.
Anne McCaffrey is one of the best authors in the world of sci fi in my opinion.

Randy is Home

2010-04-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

She had such a good time. The hour and a half drive home from the airport was filled with endless chatter of her escapades.
She didn't like Tiffany's. They only got to go in the back of the museum of natural history so instead of pictures of bones she got mammals. Ripley's believe it or not was so awesome but it cost twenty seven dollars and thirty six cents! That's a LOT but was sooooo worth it. And she got the NEATest little shoulder bag that she haggled the guy down TWO dollars! It was eighteen but she paid fifteen. (Um....Baby? What's eighteen minus fifteen?) She haggled the guy down three dollars!

The cruise was so so so much fun. There was amazing sushi and the music was so good and there was another school there so they got to meet new people. And she was so sore because the used the gym at the hotel. And she mostly worked out her legs. And they got to see the statue of liberty and it was so beatiful she almost cried.

When they went to ground zero she did cry because one of the adults was telling them how people were roasted alive and some people jumped rather than die that way. (I hope that adult gets shingles just because they are an insensitive asshat.)

She had a great time but he's glad to be home. She even brought home money which is amazing. She is not know for her self restraint. She never even touched the emergency fifty I tucked into the side of her suitcase!

Interesting Challenge

2010-04-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Another blogger that I read has issued herself a challenge to read fifty books this year.
For myself this would hardly be a challenge. I read sometimes as many as eight books a week. Not sleeping really helps you with time constraints.

But what if I made myself a challenge to read fifty books this year that someone else reccomended. Books I did not choose for myself. This would certainly widen my reading repertoire. I know a lot of people.

Out of left field....

2010-03-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

I have been on vacation for the last week and a half. I didn't go anywhere or really do anything. But I also did not go to work. It was a nice break from the grind.

Today as I was cussing the recalcitrant lawn mower which was refusing to co-operate no matter the tone of my voice, I got a call from work. This is not uncommon. In the last five years I have yet to take a vacation that didn't involve A Call From Work.

There's always something that only *I* could do or fix or whatever. So looking at my caller ID I contemplate just not answering. Since everyone knows I can't not answer the phone it was a brief contemplation. The conversation went like this.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Michelle, it's me. I have a question for you."

"Okay."

"There's an audition tomorrow for a HD commercial. We want to know if you want to go."

"......" Silence as I look again at my caller ID. Yep. My phone, my work. "Okay?"

"Awesome! It's at this place at one." An address is thrown at me and I say thanks and hang up.

So I'm doing an audition for a commercial for my company. I am not photogenic. I doubt it goes past that. But the idea that someone likes ME for the face of our store is kind of cool.

My ability to put things in perspective is working for me well here as I am not the least nervous. The other young lady that is going has called me in nervous tatters. Me? It's just a new aspect of my job. Like teaching the clinics and classes or speaking in front of the store at meetings.

I'll take a little extra time and care with my hair and face. That's about it. Oh and I filled the gas tank for the drive. Only about half an hour away. Not too bad.

Home Again

2010-03-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have fetched Randy home again. She was happy to be home. But she was giddy with the excitement of all she had done. She had a fantastic trip that will give her great stories to tell for months. THAT is the culmination of my job. Right there. Making it possible for my children to discover the world in a way that makes them happy and more fulfilled.

I have a secret that i have kept the last few months from everyone...even the kids...especially the kids. I still have no intention of them finding out but I hve paired up with a buddy to make it go away. I know it will be hard. Especially since the grumpy side effects will have no explanation and thus must be stifled.

I might explode.

She's off on her Adventure...

2010-03-26T03:54:00.000-07:00

I dropped Randy off at the airport. We arrived a little early. The first ones there. Better to be early than miss this flight. We sat together until her teacher and chaperone showed up closely followed by two of her friends. I kissed her cheek and headed for the car. Quarter to four in the morning.

We left the house quarter after two. My body attests with small complaints to the fitful two hours of sleep I had gotten before the drive. I am tired and nervous. My daughter is going on her first adventure without me.

She was nervous too. Scared of the flight without the security of Mom to smile and assure her that all would be well. She is fifteen, a blossoming young woman who wants to find the world but has yet to feel comfortable with her own place in it. In glaring difference her older sister knows JUST who she is and what she wants.

A few texts to reassure my frightened but hopeful chick and I begin the journey home. The moon hangs low and large, just over half full like a dimly lit wall sconce affixed in the hard surface of the gray blue-black sky. The garish lights of the city scream back at her soft mood lighting as if disparaging her attempt at illumination.

I sip at quickly purchased and dubious gas station coffee made palatable with powdered cream and sugar. High speed glances at landmarks tell me I am still on the right path in my trek home. The radio is off. But I am not in silence. The hum of the wheels on the road; the whush of vehicles as we vye for position; the occasional rattle of residual sand from snow days just past. It is almost peaceful.

The tense knot between my shoulder blades keeps the thought present of my child, left behind. Her safety and care no longer in my control. One by one the heavy lights of the city fall behind me until headlights and the moon are the only illumination. Traffic thins.

I worry on all the things that could go wrong. I wonder about all the things that could go right.

As I near home the moon is setting, her coral tinted, abbreviated globe bows to the dark horizon. Cars are few now. My exhaustion grows heavier without the stimulation of competition. My coffee has grown tepid.

I sit in my bed, texting with my girl as she boards her plane. Her fears gone now in the face of a long weekend with her friends in the Big Apple. The muted disonant call of an alarm, silenced mid-cry, tells me the rest of my chicks are stirring in the nest to begin their own day. I'll see them off as well before grabbing a few short hours of rest.

Be safe, my angel. Be happy and come back to me with glorious tales of joy.

A Trip that scares me

2010-03-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

That would be one my baby is taking without me.-->
Okay, she's fifteen. Okay she's going with a large group with multiple chaperones. But I won't be there to catch her if she stumbles.

Randy is going to New York City with the school band. This is an amazing opportunity. She'll likely have a fantastic time and make memories she'll always treasure.

But I won't be able to rush in if she needs help. I can only sit here and hope everything is going well.

Geez. What am I going to do when she goes to college?

Well...I have to get her out of bed to go to the airport in three hours, I should probably lay down myself.

Mish Mash

2010-03-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have the house to myself COMPLETELY this morning. It's nice to have the quiet. No TV. No stereo. No squabbling and ordering and nitpicking.

It's just me and the four dogs. Who, by the way, are trying very hard to tell me that they have empty food bowls and could I get off my butt and fill them, thank you very much. I suppose I should.

Okay. Now that I no longer have a chihuahua trying to climb onto my keyboard....

I have a new word. Comfortability. The ability to find, give or achieve comfort. I think it is a perfect valid and useful addition.

I am on vacation this week. Ten days reall. I am trying to "rest" but don't seem to be succeeding very well. The insomnia continues to plague me. I don't know that plague is the right word though. It implies some drastic, woeful infliction. And yet my lack of sleep is hardly that dramatic. Just a slow draining of energy that I collect in fits and starts.
I have learned over the years what I can eat and drink to give me energy spurts for situations that might require more focus, more strength, more control. I have tried different chemical combinations to induce sleep and found few that actually achieve a slumbering state. None that bring me rest.

My only solution is total relaxation. Not a simple thing in a house of seven. One menopausal, four hormonal...all female.. then me and Dad in the middle. If I can get my body to relax then I have to shut down my brain and boy howdy is that a trick.

Of course their are those who would argue I never turn my brain on so what's the issue?

:p Says I to that. I am not above sticking my tongue out at people that I think say stupid things. The physical action makes me feel better even as I laugh t the childishness of it. I like to laugh.

I wish I did it more. It seems that my ability to laugh gets smaller and smaller every year. Like that sad is encroaching on my fun zone like a slow creeping fog that obscures everything. This frightens me.

I don't want to lose my joy.

Ding Dong The Guys are Gone!!!

2010-03-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

The contractors have finally left! Yay! *does the hoogabooga dance of joy*

I have some small things left to do but I am glad to do them just to have the house back! Yay! Yay! Yay!

I am tiling the front of the window seat and hanging curtains. And the landscaping of course.

I bought a lawnmower and a weedeater and can't get either of the wrethed things to work. This is very frustrating. But I am not deterred. No no. I am going to use this week of vacation to get as much done as humanly possible.

Hrah!

Just plain tired.

2010-03-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping. I have to work at 6am and it is already midnight.

Can we please be done already?

2010-03-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Last year, when the stupid marriage fell apart I moved back in with the folks. They decided that was enough screwing around. I was just going to live with them permanently and we would add on to the house so everyone would have some space to call their own.

So at the beginning of november we started the add on process. How long did the contractors say it would take? Six weeks. How long has it been?

Well, it's the middle of March and THEY ARE STILL HERE. Every day, Monday through Friday and sometimes Saturday. Whir, bang, grind, slam...oh excuse me... coming through...can you move this?....where did you want this...hey I have a question....

I LOVE the work quality. I do. They are doing a fantastic job.

BUT I WANT TO SLEEP IN. Please. One day. Just one day of no bangy bangy whir slam? Sundays don't count because I have to be at work early and can't sleep anyway.
I want to go back to being able to walk around my houe withut a bloody bra! Barefoot. In a fricking TOWEL if I want.

I know we made the painting take longer by choosing many different colors. But the design is so inviting and calm. Or...I think it would be ... IF IT WERE EVER FINISHED.

*deep breath*

Maybe I will take pictures when it's finished. I KNOW I am throwing a bar-b-que when it's done. It will be warm enough by then!

Affirmation

2010-03-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today someone said to me "You are a light I wish I could find within myself."

I thought that was a very nice thing to say. It got me to thinking. Last week someone opened a conversation on the forum to which I belong about self esteem and where it comes from. I said that I used to base my self esteem on the opinions of others but do not any longer. Now I have a strong idea of what I think makes a good person and my self esteem comes from meeting that ideal.

For those with low opinions of us, that is the best way. But does that then diminish the value of the good opinions others might have of us? Have I been guilty of hurting others by not truly valuing their compliments and high praise?

I would hate to think that I have been. How can I make sure those who praise me know I value their feedback? Do I need to?

It's a lot to mull over.

2009: A Summary

2010-01-29T15:07:00.000-08:00

The year began as most do. I was at home quietly sleeping. And that was the last quiet moment.

My new relationship with Kevin bloomed. I became intimate with him. We talked often and long. All through the winter this continued.

Janurary brought Victoria's tenth birthday which we spent in Disney World in Florida. We saw shows and rode rides and let the older two have a little more freedom this time as they both had cell phones that were reliable. I felt a little more free to spend money and enjoyed using the "charge it to my room" option. That was REALLY nice.

I discovered that I actually DO like bacon, when combined in large quantities with lettuce and tomato. Charizma was randomly photographed by people who thought she was just "beautiful". She found that odd. I found it perfectly normal.

Getting back to daily life was a touch depressing. Disney really is an alternate universe. But we had to go back to work to pay for all that shopping.

Time passed quickly with the usual arguments. Go to bed. Do you homework. Be nice to your sisters.

I lost a friend through neglect. This hurt. It still does.

The relationship with Kevin grew deeper. We became engaged. We decided to move in together. BUT he wouldn't live with me unless we were married. This made me uncomfortable but.... I am a moron and let people push me into things. We found a house together as my Dad was uncomfortable with Kevin living there with them. This should have been a red flag. But it didn't occur to me.

While all of this was happening something else was occuring as well. My health declined. I finally relented and went to the doctor thinking I had a kidney infection. My doctor ruled that out very quickly and instead ran a batery of tests.
My uterus was elarged significantly as well as my ovaries. I required a hysterectomy. My largest concern was early menopause. I really did not want to lose my ovaries yet. My doctor agreed to save them if he could.

June brought the wedding. The wedding seemed to bring depression for him. He hid in his room (our room sortof) in the dark unless he was at work. I made excuses for him because he'd never had a large family and being thrown into one as large and boisterous as mine WOULD take some adjustin. July brought my surgery. And though I was out of work, he continued to spend money as if we had endless supplies. He spent more in overdraft chrges than I made all month. And I WAS getting disability benefits.

Charizma moved out rather than live with him. This was devastating. Eventually I got her to move into her grandmas house instead of the teen flophouses she had been in. Things at home grew worse and worse with his depression giving way to fits of violent anger and desperate sadness.

I was not a good wife. I cannot stand to see a grown man simper and cry like a small child. Telling him to grow a set probably wasn't the best choice I could have made.

I told him to leave. I was on the verge of losing my car. The bank account stayed deeply overdrawn all the time. The girls were miserable. I had had enough. I had to borrow nearly five thousand dollars to get myself back into some measure of solvency. FIVE THOUSAND. My income tax return is usually our play money for the year. Not this time. It's already gone to pay back the hole I got into with this man.

Charizma got nominated to be a student ambassador to the Galapagos islands but we had to decline because everyone was already tapped out rescuing me. We couldn't afford it.

This made me very very angry. She could have put that on her college application!

Myranda is in marching band and will be going to New York with the band. She is very excited. She does the fund raisers and makes money. We support her the best we can. School has started and the kids are glad to be back.

I get moved at work to the service desk. It is quite a change from flooring and I like it. I'm learning new stuff.

To be continued....

Aha!

2010-01-06T22:42:00.001-08:00

You thought I forgot!

Post up soon. It got very long. Imagine that.

Year's end

2009-12-28T03:55:00.000-08:00

I am trying to post a summary of the year.... we'll see if it gets done.

Vacation that wasn't

2009-12-26T02:23:00.001-08:00

There will be much ranting on this. MUCH ranting!

Reminiscing.......

2009-12-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

This year is nearly done. It has been a long one. And yet it has simultaneously flown by.

I married, again. Like a fool. I seperated. Again. Though that is going badly and there seems to be no end in sight.

My oldest child moved out and then back in. It truly frightened me for her future. But we managed to resolve the issue and get her settled out.

I had yet another surgery. Nothing to do with a baby this time, thank goodness. Lost weight, gained a little back. Took the lead at work and ran with it. Changed to a department with less physical demands. I am basically a glorified secretary. I'm okay with that.

Someone said to me yesterday "Hunny I love ya, but I wouldn't trade lives with you for all the gold in the world."
He followed that up with the explanation that my life had WAY too much drama and his was comfortably quiet. I hugged him and laughed. Because I KNOW.

I know I have too much drama. I know my life is one unending made for tv movie starring Kevin Sorbo and other c list actors that tell you the script is likely badly written with huge holes in the plot you could drive a mac truck through. I am completely aware that most people listen to me talk about my life and don't believe half of it. It's too surreal to have actually happened. Especially all to one person.

But it is true. All of it. It IS happening and me... I'm hanging in there. And lately, I am not just surviving it. I'm thriving. Slowly, steadily, my fingernails are sinking deeper and deeper into that ledge and I am pulling myself up and over.

And as I come, I am bringing my family with me. That isn't to say I haven't broken a nail or two in the process. But that is what manicures are for right?

Mutterings, resolutions, and suchlike......

2009-12-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

I have not been very good at keeping up with this blog. I have not written much in any way all year. I can't say I will do better. I don't know if I will. With everything that demands my time the only thing that can be set aside indefinitely is the computer.

And so it suffers.

I have so much running through my head. Up to this year I have had a difficult time focusing on one thing amongst the mess that rattles around in my brain. But this year I seem to have come much closer to that goal. It is odd. But welcome.

On and on and on ..........

2009-11-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have moved out of the lovely house we rented. I loved that house but I could not afford it on my own so..... bye bye beautiful house of my own. Just another address in my long list of past addresses.

I hate moving.
I hate it hate it hate it hate it.

I have suspected that the person with who I am estranged kept a key and was sneaking into the house. He denied any such activity. And yet this morning the new owners of my house called and asked if I had been there.

It would seem someone had been there and left the door wide open.

WIDE open for goodness knows how long.

Sorry. Wasn't me. But I will ask dipshit one more time if he will give me his key. And warn him that sneaking in now will get him shot.

Because it will.

Also I discovered why so many people at work dislike him so much. (And this is a lesson in not being a gossip. Meaning...you gotta listen to it even if you don't contribute.) A while back one of the girls who worked there was beat nearly to death in the parking lot by HER estranged husband. That's all I knew about it.

According to the girl herself, she had walked to her car with my darling ex (this was before we were even dating). He leaned on her car, chatting with her. Across the street the girl's ex had been waiting to see her come out and watched some man flirting with his wife. He raced over, using his car to block her in. My ex.... the big brave man... LEFT.

He walked away while this man beat and choked this girl in her own car.Didn't even bother to look back or call the cops or anthing. I wish I had known that before. I would never have dated such a weasly coward.

This is a perfect example of his attitude. If it doesn't affect him.... what does he care?

Bastard.

I hate insomnia.

2009-11-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

Though it isn't actually the not sleeping that gets me. I don't mind having that extra time to get things done. It's the being EXHAUSTED all the time that kicks my butt.

I have a lot going on right now and my brain needs to be in tip top shape. And it's NOT. So SO not.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I even gave in and took a sleeping pill.

Four hours ago.

It didn't even phase me.

Road trip!

2009-11-02T00:41:00.000-08:00

Not really. I am totally flying! To Florida! In Februrary.

I am super duper excited about it too!

Good Works

2009-10-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today a group of people from my workplace "volunteered" their time to go to the local children's hospital and host a children's workshop. Cook's is a wonderful hospital, designed with children in mind. One of the people that went today has spent a great deal of time there with one of his daughters. He can't say enough good things about how the people who work there are with the kids and how generous billing is in writing debts off.

I put volunteered in quotation marks becaus etwo of the group insisted that the scheduler change how she scheduled them off for the day they said they would give. We all signed a sheet saying we wanted to give a day to doing this a month ago. But when the schedule came out with all of us off for the day... these two people had a hissy because it would cause them to lose eight of their forty or have to work a weekend day.

First... how these two people got weekends off ticks me right off because they just kept complaining higher and higher up until someone finally said do it to shut them up. Second... they signed up saying they would DONATE their time. What part of that is unclear? But they both complained until the scheduler changed the schedules for THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT both were in. So a number of other people were given a few days notice that changes had been made so these two could have everything their way.Fine. If management wants to cater to them it's really none of mine.

But.

Then one of these people spent the whole time making everyone else uncomfortable. Taking things off the tables that SHE didn't want disturbing how she'd placed things. Telling people SHE didn't want such things in her way.

This person actually told parents and children who approached the tables we had set up that they could NOT participate because it was for patients only. I quickly handed some items to another person and had him chase down the first person she did that to. He found the older woman and small girl meeting up with a woman about my age. She was crying because the daughter who WAS a patient was doing much worse than the day before when they had left. He said the little girl lit up when she saw what he'd brought her.

I spent the rest of the time we were there playing director. As soon as anyone entered the atrium I approached and matched them with an HD host so this woman could not send away anyone else. And STILL she kept going around and asking those not in hospital gowns if they were patients. But by then I had let the others know what she was up to and they too were playing deflection.

I matched one shy teenage girl with a young volunteer firefighter in our group. One of the other ladies asked me why, since I had been matching boy with boy and girl with girl up to that point. This girl was about seventeen, weak from treatment and almost too shy to say her own name. The young man I had help her is a kind and funny -attractive- gentleman who spent half an hour focused solely on her in a very relaxed friendly way. By the time she went back upstairs she was joking with the group and actually speaking out loud.

Sometimes a girl just needs to feel pretty and special. Especially in a hospital gown.

It was a good rewarding visit. It could have been seamless if that one person hadn't been so rude and miserly. But those of us paying attention made up for it and then some. The kids didn't know any of that. And we were there for the kids.

This is one of the things that keeps me at my job. No one else I have ever worked for was so active in the community. No one.

Wanderings

2009-10-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm lost. Foundering. I feel as if I have fallen into the ocean and forgotten everything I once knew about the water. How to swim. How to float. How to breath.

The heavy brine pushes at me, pressing me deeper into myself. I am folding and I don't know how to make it stop. An avalanche of lost dreams buries me.

head shaking

2009-09-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Today at work I answered a call from another store who wanted to check and see if we had a clearance item one of their customers wanted. I walked from the back of the store to the front of the store, telling the other employee that I needed to check to see if we did.
She said "The computer says you have 39." in a very condescending way. Like the computer couldn't possibly wrong or anything.
I said, "That's great but I am still going to check to see what we actually have before I tell you yes."
"Fine." Came the reply.

So I find the stuff and start counting. She can HEAR me counting. She's making little comments on me counting out loud. Not nice comments either.

The customer, it so happens, is sitting right in front of her while she's treating me like a moron. So when I say, yes, I can do that, she puts the customer on the phone to buy it and the CUSTOMER starts treating me like I'm too stoopid to breath and walk simultaneously.

"Did you count them?"
Yes.
"Are you sure you counted them?"
Yes.
"You actually put your hands on them and counted them?"
Yes, ma'am.
"Well you better understand that if I come out there and there aren't enough I will be speaking with your manager."
Yes, ma'am. I understand that you need this to be accurate.
So she gives me her credit card number over the phone. I tell her the reciept will be with the product when she arrives. I go on with my day.

After lunch I head down to the loading end to see if she'd picked them up yet. They are gone, but her transaction isn't closed in the computer for pick up. I ask the cashier if the pallets I had left had been picked up. She confirmed that yes, she had rung them up and the lady had taken them.

WHAT?!

I gave the woman's name and the description of the product and yes, same woman. Seveteen hundred dollars of product, paid for ...twice.

I pull the register reciept, then the phone sale receipt. Yep. Paid for twice. I find a manager. The lady had been unpleasant on the phone. Everyone that had had to deal with her when she picked up her product recalled her because she was so unpleasant. I did NOT want to call and say we had overcharged her seventeen hundred dollars. So I pass it off to the manager.

He calls and has to convince her we had done it. She swore she only paid once. Then she spent twenty minutes raving about how great we had all been all day.

O.o

Say what? No, really, what did she say?

Really. She loved us.

I will never understand people.

Emotionally Drained

2009-09-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am being selfish and self-centered. But I cannot shake a deep sadness today. I know that everything will happen however it is going to happen. I have very little control over the ultimate outcome. I can choose to give up or persevere but those are only directions. The roads make themselves.

All I can do is make sure that I am prepared for whatever may come and my children as well. Roll with the punchs and keep punching back.

But I am so effing tired of punching. Where is my helpmate? Why do *I* have to do it all alone? I know... I have very good friends. But I cannot help but want someone to hold me in the night and tell me it will be alright. Someone who will put me before themselves. And I hate myself for wanting that. Because it makes me weak.

Look at what it has done to my family. That pathetic weakness clouded my judgement and I made such a bad choice. My chidlren are the ones paying for my weakness.
That is unforgivable.

Hmmmmm.....

2009-09-21T11:29:00.001-07:00

I texted Rizzo, proposing the plan of asking everyone who crosses our paths for donations. She texted back that her spanish class was studying today, of all places, Ecuador. Irony has ever been a fan of ours.

So I told her to ask her spanish teacher if he would donate a hundred bucks to get her there.

And he said yes. She was texting in all capitals and lots of exclamation points. So I have her pumped up again. Now I just have to convince Grandma to stop telling her it's impossible.

Before the sticker shock....

2009-09-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

Rizzo and I were talking about the trip. I brought up the fact that she seemed really excited. Like Geeksville excited. She had even already done some research and asked her spanish teacher to help her step up and really become fluent.
She said "Yes. I want to be an Ecuadork."

And it just keeps on giving.........

2009-09-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.peopletopeople.com/Pages/default.aspx
This is the link to the program to which Riz got nominated. She was invited to be a student ambassador to Ecuador and the Galapogos Islands for two weeks next summer. She REALLY wants to go. AND she's been taking spanish for two years now so she could even speak the language!

She would get to do things like...

Explore the Charles Darwin Research Station. Learn about the flora and fauna of the Galápagos Islands before meeting Lonesome George, the last tortoise of his species.
Hop back and forth across the equator when they visit the Middle of the World monument.
Snorkel the beautiful waters of the Galapagos Islands.
Come close to marine iguanas, birds, and lava lizards as they explore the area of Las Tintoreras.
Saddle up and ride to the edge of Sierra Negra volcano, then enjoy a picnic lunch surrounded by nature’s beauty. Hike through LAVA TUBES!
Visit La Casa del Suizo, an Amazonian refuge built alongside the river. You can only get so close by motor coach—the final ten minutes of the journey will be by canoe!
After one final hike around the area, depart for Baños and hike to the Pailón del Diablo waterfall. Weather permitting, after dinner enjoy marshmallows around the campfire.

The information meeting was brief but informative. They weren't trying to hype it up and get your cash. In fact no money changed hands at all. They just gave you information.

But she needs to apply and that requires four hundred dollars as a deposit. Then she has to provide three reccomendations by teachers and adults who know her but are not related to her. THEN she has to interview.

The programs has scholarships available for a thousand to fifteen hundred which she is a shoe in to get, as long as her grades stay where they are. We definitely have the financial need and she has the community service under her belt. But it would apply until after the first of the year and she would have to have twenty five hundred by December first to stay in the program.

The trip she was invited to has a total price tag of seven thousand five hundred dollar tuition. That naturally does not include spending money for herself. I just can't see how I can raise this on the schedule they require. Or even at all.

I MIGHT have been able to do it had I not made the mistake that was marriage. Grandma and friends have bailed me out of the mess that debacle put me in to the tune of almost five thousand dollars.
FIVE THOUSAND dollars. That would have paid three fourths of her tuition. And now, Grandma has nothing left to help her with because she wasted it all on me. And she has already said I need to pay her back with my tax returns. So I don't even have that to help pay for it.

I know for a fact that this program would give Riz an edge for college. My brother Matt did it three years in a row and got nearly a full ride. And the college panels told him that his experience with this program had a large impact on their choices.

And because of my stupid bad choices she is going to miss out.
I really fucking hate myself sometimes.

Catching up

2009-09-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

The disastrous romance isn't all that has been going on recently. I mentioned my health issues. And I guess my pain tolerance and ability to persevere did me a disservice here. The doctor said, after surgery, that I was a lot worse off than he had thought from the tests we had done. He said by the end of the year I would have been in a life threatening situation.

And really, I should have known it was worse than what was diagnosed. For me to be in enough pain to agree to take time off from work, you know it had to be significant.
In fact what was happening was my uterus was enlarged, and still growing, to the point that internal organs were being compressed and were fusing together. My hips were being pushed out of joint and my spine was being pressed upon. By the surgery date, I was having difficulty walking for an eight hour shift at work. Everyone at work knew I was severely unwell.

My surgeon thought I would need a full hysterectomy. The films showed cysts on my ovaries as well as the freaked uterus. Turned out those cysts were my badly enlarged fallopian tubes fused to my ovaries. My surgeon took the time to detach the tubes and leave BOTH ovaries. He had asked me several times how I felt about menopause. I had expressed every time that I REALLY wanted to wait as long as I could, but understood if that simply couldn't happen.

I had a fantastic surgeon.

Riz was supposed to help watch the spouse's child on the day of my surgery so the spouse could be there. I told him I thought that was a waste of time since he would just be sitting in the waiting room for four or five hours but he insisted he had to be there. But then Riz left the night before the surgery and didn't come back.
I called her at midnight only for her to refuse my call and text me that she would not be back because she was sick of me bossing her around. She said she would be back at seven to watch the kid. So I was up all night worried about where she could be. At seven she didn't show.

I went into surgery, not knowing where my eldest child was. Or even if she was okay. Whe I woke, she was there with a couple of her friends. When I woke again they were gone and my own friends were there.

On the day I went home from the hospital she showed up to get her stuff, telling me she was moving out and living with her friends. She didn't want to do the things I wanted her to do. Like go to college. She was going to live her own life now.

I told her I was very upset with her choice and even more disapointed that she chose to rebel at the one time when I needed her help. And she knew I couldn't get up and come get her scrawny butt.
I let her "live" in the flop house apartment. That place rented by one or two of the group that actually have jobs and everyone just crashes there and contributes what they can get from thier families. I did it when I was her age. Seventeen and homeless. Though I had no choice. No one wanted me. It was band together with my friends or pretty much starve to death on the streets.

After three weeks I tricked her into a showdown at Grandma's house where I informed her that she either did it my way for one more year, or I called her in as a runaway and she got stuck in the system until she was twenty one. I let her know that she was living it up because I allowed it. She wasn't getting one over on me.
I gave her a choice. Get a job within thirty days and truly support herself, move in with Grandma, or move back in with me. She moved in with Grandma. And then admitted that mostly she just hated the spouse and was tired of being treated like his servant/babysitter with no respect. I told her I really respected the fact that she refused to live with someone who treated her badly. She recognised an issue and found a solution. Very adult.

But the WAY she did it was NOT adult and that was what I had an issue with. She cried. I might have misted a bit. She settled in at Grandma's and calmed down a lot.

Just a few hours ago she hugged me and asked if she could come home. Now that he is gone she really misses us and wants her family back. I told her that would be just fine. I miss my baby too.
But she can't have a repeat of before. Respect my rules. Period. And she still has to go to college. At least a bachelor's. Then I will leave her alone and support whatever choice she makes for herself. But she has to get a bachelors. In ANYthing. I don't care.

She dumped her boyfriend of a year, with whom she experienced many firsts, because she caught him smoking pot. She had told him she would not tolerate drug use. That he did it anyway upset her. So she dumped him. AND she flat out refuses to listen to his pleas of apology.

She's such a strong young lady. In spirit and conviction. I am very proud of her.
Just when she turns that stubborn streak on me, we butt heads. Ah well. I wouldn't have her any other way.

You have up to six months.....

2009-09-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

...to get an annullment.

And that is what I am trying to do. But the damn man won't give me one. He flat out refuses. He says I just need to take a few months to think about things and then I will see I am wrong. Oh and he lectures me on how marriage is a committment and not something that can just be thrown away. HE would never just give up on ME, he says.

I don't need to think about it.

He neglected to tell me about his over five thousand dollars worth of debt in credit cards that he had. He didn't tell me about his prescription drug addiction, legal or not it is still an addiction. And he sure didn't tell me it would cost two hundred and fifty dollars a month. He never did tell me straight up what he owed on the bills we WERE paying like his cell phone and cable contract. I finally jacked the bills and saw he was three months behind and we were just making the 'keep from being disconnected' payments.

He was never honest and straighforward with me. Never once. And he cannot say the same for me. I have no use for games. I have no time for games. He knew I had no bills beyond living expenses. He knew I put the kids needs first always. He knew I put Grandma and Grandpa right after the kids.

In the month of July we were the most monetarily stressed that we had ever been. And I found he had purchased programs for his phone to the tune of twenty five additional dollars a month on the bill. We were overdrawn so badly that the charges were more than I made ALL MONTH. Yet he was still spending money!

On July ninth I went in for my surgery. Friends from work spent more time with me. And they told me later that he had been very rude to my Mom when he HAD been there. She never said a word to me about it. Because she loves me and didn't want to stress me out while I was recovering. When I was being released he rushed me through the halls because hospitals "make me uncomfortable and I just want to get out of here."

When I was finally home, he had to go "for a ride" on his motorcycle to unwind. I couldn't stand by myself to go to the bathroom, but he had to leave. That was a pattern. During my recovery he was either at work or riding to "unwind".
How do you spend ten dollars a day on gas? In a MOTORCYCLE? He managed.

Thank the good world for my girls. Charizma had already abandoned us for her teenage rebellion, but the younger three really came through. One of them sat by my bedroom door at all times so I had only to reach out and turn the doorknob. One of them would come help me do whatever I needed. They cooked for me and kept the kitchen clean. The rest of the house went to hell, but the kitchen was clean. That was good enough for me.

My children took care of me. And he thought that was just fine.

I don't need to think about anything. My girls and I have done just fine by ourselves. This has shown me that it just needs to stay that way. Especially where he is concerned. He has not once tried to be part of our family though we have repeatedly tried to pull him in. The girls especially.

He doesn't get anymore chances to hurt us.

Of course, NOW he's turned into psycho stalker. He calls and callls and calls. If I am busy he wants to know who I'm dating or screwing. At work he tracks me down and starts crying.

I know men who cry are supposed to be all "sensitive" and "awesome", but I just think they look weak and pathetic. I don't cry. Get some balls and man up for the love of Joe!

The fact that we work together is making things interesting. I finally had to tell him if he couldn't be professional and leave me alone unless he had a customer issue, I would take it to management. So now he goes the other way. He won't be in a room if I am. He won't help a customer I bring to his department.
He's going to lose his job that way. But I am sure he will make that my fault. Everything else is. Just ask him.

Marital bliss... wait...what?

2009-09-15T05:25:00.000-07:00

So I took the plunge for the FOURTH time. You would think I would have learned by now. But no. I am apparently terminally stupid. I am a lost cause. Hopelessly worthless at the dating/romance/horseshit game.

I should have listened to the warning bells. The little things. Like the wedding rings.

He kept insisting we had to have them. I kept saying we couldn't afford them. Plus I couldn't find one I liked in our price range. (flat effing broke is a very limited range) He found one HE liked for himself though. So he borrowed money from a friend and insisted flat out. He got what he wanted and I got a simple white gold band. I figured it was at least not ugly.

Just what every woman wants for her wedding ring. At least not ugly. Can you just see me swooning with delight?

We moved in together before we got married. He spent a lot of time in the bedroom watching TV and sleeping. I figured he needed some time to adjust to life in a big family. No big deal.

Wrong.

He never did anything else! That was his routine. Period. Go to work. Come home. Hide in his bedroom.
His bedroom? You ask? Well yes. I slept there, but he let me know at once that I would have to find somewhere else for my clothes as he was using all of the space in the six foot wide eight foot tall dresser. Oh and the drawers in the vanity were for his son's things. Oh and the walk in closet was taken up completely as well.

And do I have to put my looky loos on the mantel in the bedroom? He wanted his son's legos there. And did I have to put my pictures on the dresser and vanity? He might need that space later.

So here I am three months after moving in. My belongings are still in boxes and bins in the laundry room. All of my clothes are hanging and in bins in the laundry room. My makeup and hair supplies are in the bathroom.... but shoved to the back since he needs that space for his razor and lotion.

Wait. Is this a marriage? Or am I the live in piece of ass who pays all the bills, does all the cleaning and takes care of all the problems? Even to the point of watching his son when we had him so Dear Old Dad could HIDE IN HIS ROOM.

Honey, we need to talk. I need you to help me clean the house.
It's not my mess, says he.
We're bleeding money. We have to stop spending so much.
I need that stuff, say he.
Well can you at least TELL me when you are going to spend a hundred dollars at a time?
Why? It's my money, says he.
And they are your bills I am trying to pay.
I don't get what you are trying to say, says he.
Okay look. You smoke three packs a day. That's more per month than one of my paychecks.
I am not quitting, says he.
Can you at least cut back?
No. It's not my fault. I need my smokes, says he.

I have better luck reasoning with the girls! In fact, I showed them the SIX HUNDRED dollar electric bill and they immediately cut back on their usage. Turning off lights. Not turning on the AC in their rooms until they absolutely needed to do so to sleep.

Not so the man. He had to have the AC unit in his room on at all times as well as the AC in the living room. Even when he wasn't in the room. "I might want to go in there."
In the middle of the night I would turn them off and he would WAKE UP and turn them back on! I am not talking about some big burly guy here. He's six foot tall, maybe one seventy soaking wet.
It didn't matter how many times I reasoned that the AC units were what was driving the bill so high. He refused to be even slightly uncomfortable in any way for any reason. And that is the root of our differences.

I do what needs doing no matter how I might be affected. He cannot even concieve of the idea of doing something for ANY reason that might discomfit him. My kids come first always. He couldn't even be bothered to go to the court to fight for custody rights to his son. Because it was too hard.....

I have to go to work now... more later....

I've been offline for far too long

2009-09-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

The off and on connectivity was like hope torture! The worst!

So much has occured. Let me get my mind together and I will lay it out.

The Hysterectomy: Prologue

2009-07-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I went to the doctor with what I thought was a kidney infection. Almost immediately she shot that down and after speaking with me for a little while put together a list of symptoms I hadn't realized were connected. She ordered some tests, the most icky of which was the cat scan WITH contrast. That means I had to drink this gross white barium and then lay still while they pumped iodine into me and my body caught on fire.

If you have never had a hot flash you cannot possibly commiserate with those who have. You just don't have any way of knowing how uncomfortable it is. How really truly HOT you get from the inside out. It was awful.

She read my tests and sent me to a specialist. The best ob/gyn in the area even. He pokes around and does the most invasive songram evAR. Then let's me know I need a hysterectomy. We talk about how I feel about that including the onset of menopause. He was really nice. He listened even.

So we decide to take the higher risk surgery so he can try and save at least one of my ovaries. I have no interest in more children but Neither do I wish to be menopausal at thirty seven. I'd like to put that off thanks. He agrees that it would be best, as I have a history of cancer and hormone therapy doesn't help that.

I get put on the schedule and wait two months. I could have done it right away, but I couldn't be helpless just then. I needed to be able to do what the kids needed me to do. I timed it so the surgery itself is when the girls are out of town and the recovery time will have me home for gearing up for school.

Everyone keeps telling me I should be nervous. But I ... I'm just not. I'll make it through or I won't. Worrying won't change that. In fact, high blood pressure before a surgery is bad.

No worries for me. About the surgery anyway.

Tomorrow morning I go in. And the house still isn't clean. I wanted to have that done. Guess I should get cracking.

Married.

2009-06-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have a new last name. And a ring on my left hand. Though I wasn't sure it was actually going to happen.

To begin, I started the day heading to work to get my paycheck. Oh so sorry. They haven't come. Don't know when they will be here. Try again later.

Shit. Twinkies.

Ten bucks in the bank and I have to pay the judge for the wedding before she will show up.

Checks manage to arrive but I have employee committee stuff to do so I can't go deposit them. Thank goodness I am not the only adult around anymore. Get out of work and get the judge paid.

Go shopping since neither of us have yet to get anything to wear. No. I did not buy shoes.

But I wanted to.

The weather cools down a bit, which was a relief. At first. Then the cloud roll in. And the rain. Nearly time for the ceremony and we have a tornado in the area. Only one of the people we invited arrives. The one with the cake, thank goodness. I just sit and wait for my phone to ring telling me the judge is calling off. The phone rings, and it is the judge though she is just trying to confirm she's at the right house. So Grandma, Grandpa, our friend and three of the girls settle in around the living room to get married.

When the ceremony was complete we had a vibrant hued rainbow arcing right over the house.

So it wasn't boring. But then, what in my life is?

AAaaaarrrrrrggggh!

2009-06-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am getting a bad head cold. Of course I am. Nothing says special occasion like hacking and sneezing.

Long Day at Work

2009-06-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

Or rather... long night and day. I closed last night and opened today.
BUT I did manage to close a sale that makes in one transaction more than one of my coworkers did all month in May. Talk about a feather in my cap. And that was on top of taking on a special project that wouldn't have been necessary if they had listened to me in the first place.

Any way... it was a busy couple days packed full of go go go. And the wierdest thing happened. My supervisor, who doesn't care for me too much, gave me an excellence award for "entreprenurial spirit". She even said thank you for everything I have been doing for the department lately.

I cannot help but think the new overall manager is the source of this more positive approach. To be honest, it is overdue but still very welcome.

Open mouth.......

2009-06-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

...insert both feet. Fall on ass.

Today I was irritable and frustrated and grumpy. And I snapped at the SO. Of course he took it badly. Because everything is a practice of extremes for him right now. I know better but I couldn't seem to control my emotional outburst. I feel like a creep.

He apologised for being depressed which made me feel worse. I KNOW he can't help it. What right do I have to criticise him? None.

We have set the date for June twelfth. Getting married next week. A friend has offered to make a cake for us. We chatted about what I wanted and ended up with a basic square cake for a base with small cakes in the shape of blocks tumbling down in multiple colors. I requested spice cake instead of the usual yellow or chocolate.

I've invited several of our friends over for "dinner" that evening. Sort of a surprise wedding kind of thing. I even said it was potluck. Bring a dish.

Of course, with my luck, no one will show up. Oh well. The kids will be there and other family. The dog will be there. What more do I need?

Oh yeah.... the JP.

I had better call him, hadn't I?

Checking in again.

2009-05-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

I have to post more often. I need the release. My life becomes less and less about myself. And that is good. But if I do not take time to let out some of the frustration it will become Mt. Vesuvius waiting to blow.
And we can't have that.

The new house is nice. We are settling in and finding something of a rythm. The girls like having room to move and the freedom to do so. We have two cats in our fold now, giving the girls their own warm fuzzies to cuddle. Since my little darling Murphy is very cuddle specific (me).

My SO's son was finally allowed to visit again. We had been keeping him five days out of seven until the bitch who calls herself his mother decided she wasn't in enough control and filed for custody saying that we could not have him until his father signed her papers.

She's a stupid piece of work, using intimidation and cruelty to get her way. My SO, having suffered through her for fourteen years, crumbles under her reign. I, however, could never stand a bully and that is what she is. he has abused that man for their whole relationship, though he won't admit it to anyone for fear of seeming weak.

But when she gets in the picture, he is. His strength and intelligence just vaporize. No matter what I say he does what she commands. Then he gets angry, then depressed. She truly believes he is stupid and will do whatever she wants. Will believe whatever she says.

She doesn't seem to realize he isn't the one making all the decisions anymore. And *I* am not afraid of her. In fact, I think that bitch needs to go DOWN. I believe that to the core of my being.

My SO agreed to sign her papers. After actually taking my advice and getting a witness to her saying she couldn't have contact with his son until he did so. Then he tried to find a place to sign and lo and behold! They aren't that kind of papers. He called her to ask where he was supposed to sign ans she said "Just forget it. They are setting up the hearing right now anyway."

Oh look! The stupid bitch is lying. And I told him as much. They CAN'T set up a hearing until twenty days from the date that he got served. Legal process gives him that to respond to her.

She has a history of being a bad mother. She lost custody of her first son, who is an adult now. If she spent that many years abusing a man who should have been able to defend himself, what will she do to a four year old who can't?

Already he shows signs of abuse and neglect. Dirty whenever we see him. Exhausted from being up all hours of the night. This time he was let to run outside by himself and has a bad sunburn. He's had unexplainable marks on his back and face.

This is a child who needs a champion. My SO seems unable to be that right now. That leaves me.

My SO doesn't want CPS involved. He doesn't want to take the chance that they won't do anything. I have gone behind his back and done it anyway. I wonder how it will affect our relationship when he finds out. But the fact is, that child comes first. If he finds fault with that, then he'll just have to get over it.

He won't listen to me. Maybe he can't. Maybe he is so depressed that his ability to reason has been lost. Maybe I am wrong in what I believe. I doubt it. But it's possible. I have tried to get an outside opinion to help me see more clearly but whatever I say will be shaded with my belief and that does not help me.

I'm tired. The move set us back financially and we seem to just get deeper and deeper in the hole. Finding a way to keep us going without letting anyone else know how bad it is is tricky, though so far I have managed. Next month I don't know what I will do. I am scheduled for major surgery. Two weeks no driving afterward. Six weeks at least out of work.

I know I will find a way to make it work. I am just tired of constantly watch everything and everyone. I don't trust things stay in control without my constant attention. I would really like to be able to relax for ten minutes.

Oh well. Wish in one hand, clean up dog poop in the other. See which fills up fastest.

Catching up....

2009-04-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's been so hectic lately. Sometimes I feel as if I have been run over by that proverbial bus. And then he backed up and did it again to make sure the job was done correctly.

I have to wonder what it is about me that isn't working correctly. I just don't seem to have what it takes to do well at work. What am I doing wrong? What am I saying wrong?

I know there must be something that I am missing. If it is the buttkissery then I am just so screwed because buttkissery was a subject I failed my whole life. Even when I WANTED to do it I seemed to be bad at it.

Work just gets worse and worse. I was written up today TWICE for failing to "provide customer service". I disagree that I was guilty of that but technically I did cost the store money so ... there you go. The customers were happy. But I don't guess that matters. Happy customers aren't the goal in the service industry are they?

We are finally out of Grandma's house and that is good. The stress of subduing my dominant female traits were weighing quite heavily. On everyone. The girls especially.

I am hoping that being in a house with a yard without so many changing constricting rules will help calm them down. With so many of us hormonal these days, it can't hurt.

The house we have found is actually affordable and very big. The girls are looking forward to having space to rattle around. They are unbelievbly excited.

I just want to be settled in a place where I can sit in my skivvies and relax. Especially now with new health issues popping up. I have never had a cat scan before. I wonder if there will be claws?

My doctor seems to think that I have a collection of symptoms that lead to a serious problem that begs to be found.

As long as it means that I don't ache every step I take and can sleep again, I am all for fixing the problem. Hey Doc, patch me up and get me back in the fight, would ya?

Of course, one of my "symptoms" is weight loss. I'm not really complaining about that.

And All The Myriad Accoutrements....

2009-02-18T21:51:00.000-08:00

Books I want to read..... The Child Runs, The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters,

Romantic adjustments

2009-02-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

I began seeing a co-worker late last ear. This alone was odd as I have hard rule about dating at work. I don't. Well. I didn't.

And then This Guy shows up and I am instantly interested. Just my flavor, tall, dark, brilliant, funny. But he's a co-worker so I flirt a little but not seriously. Then I find out he's taken. Ohhhkay. That was that.
And then.... he becomes single in a horrible display (by her) of infidelity. I had no idea anything was happening. But I did see that this guy whom I genuinely liked as a person was deeply, painfully miserable. So I went out of my way to try every day we worked together to get him to smile or laugh. I would tell him a joke or give him a quick friend hug.

Then one day he asks me if I have any vcr tapes. This is a legitimate question if you know me. I have four kids. OF COURSE I have videos. I have disney and the like coming out of my ears. But the way he asked finally clued me in to the fact that he was living alone.

So I asked him if he would like to have dinner and talk. He did. And the rest just fell together.

It's strange having someone romantic in my life every day. Strange but nice. I like having someone to hug and kiss whenever I want. Someone who anticipates my wishes so well we communicate without words sometimes.

Hiatus

2009-02-09T10:14:00.000-08:00

It has been some time since I did any writing at all. Sometimes life just gets so busy that some things have to wait. I couldn't make my family wait. I couldn't make my job wait. I couldn't make my romantic interest wait

So the things just for me had to wait.

And now I am thinking that perhaps I should have tried a little more balance. I am exhausted and physically drained. My mind is scattered and splintered. I have none of the focus that everyone relies so heavily upon.

I am no closer now than I was six months ago to solving the problems and achieving the goals that would make life better and more pleasant for my family and myself. And I am tired of waiting.

I need to stop procrastinating and just DO. Anything. Just so long as we are moving FORWARD! Isn't that the whole point?

Holiday Blahs

2008-11-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to be more into the Holiday! spirit this year. Trying to stir up the family into really enjoying the season. It's not easy to get past the apathy.

Christmas just isn't special anymore. It's about shopping and expectations and that's about it. Half the stores don't even close anymore. When I was a kid, I always thought it was magical the way EVERYthing stopped for Christmas. Everyone was nicer. All the places had pretty decorating and there was music.

The world isn't like that anymore. You don't pass people on the street humming carols to themselves with a half smile. You can hardly even say Merry Christmas without getting a "look" because you might offend someone with a different religion.

I'm not Christian.

But I can still say Merry Christmas. And mean it. Because The Christmas season hasn't been about the birth of a boy who was later brutally slain for the sake of everyone else for a long time.

It's like true honest respect has disapeared with chivalry and selflessness. I love my country. I know that living in the US, being an American is the best thing in the world. But We are losing that.
We are.

When a man gets trampled to death by people in a furor to get that great shopping deal before anyone else. Trampled to DEATH. We, as a society, have lost something.

When a boy and his mom can't shop for toys without gunshots in the next aisle. We've lost something.

When a middle aged man shoves and elderly woman to the floor for that last Christmas tree on sale, something is missing.

This country was once about working hard to have something of your own. A piece of property upon which you could be who you are. No matter the color of your skin, the language you speak first, which god you worship. Living, happy, unharrassed.

When did it become a race to get badly built crap to shove in a badly built hole at the expense of anything and anyone else? No matter what you have to do, or who you have to hurt to get it?

Being Single means you never have to share your pillow.

2008-11-26T23:19:00.000-08:00

Or your space. Or your warmth.
You don't have to share your laughs or your warm fuzzies. You get to keep that stress all to yourself, too. And the worry and concern.
Being single means having no one to share those quiet meant for two secrets with.

No soft kisses. No hugs just because. No quiet conversation with facial expression and eye contact alone. No connections deeper than quick sex that you forget about a week later.

Yay me. I'm single.

A joke..from my email...

2008-11-23T11:03:00.000-08:00

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.

~~~~~~~

You know you laughed. I did, too.

In The Small Hours......

2008-11-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

...the lonely gets me.

Every day I make a conscious choice to be happy. What would it be like to simply be happy? To not have to decide that it would be so? I have forgotten.

So much I have forgotten....

I am..........

2008-11-15T19:44:00.001-08:00

Your result for The Supervillain Archetype Test...

The Megalomaniac

Ambitious, Intelligent, Calculating

The Megalomaniac is the most prestigious of super-villain classes. If anyone is ever going to rule the world, it will probably be you.

Your main goal in life is power and domination, you have the tools to do it, and you know it. Megalomaniacs are intelligent and forceful, and they tend not to let their emotions cloud their judgment. Most of the time. They are usually found, or not found, working at the top of a huge structured organization, though many prefer to work by themselves.

The Megalomaniac has but one flaw, but its an invariably fatal one; arrogance. He knows that he can take over the world, and he isn't afraid to let you know, often elaborately and in great detail. They often do not foresee the fly in their ointment, because they do not want to admit that such a fly could exist.

Sample Megalomaniacs: Dr. Doom, Lex Luthor, Ras al'Ghul, Kang the Conqueror, Emperor Palpatine, Brain

Take The Supervillain Archetype Test at HelloQuizzy

What spice am I?

2008-11-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

Your result for What Spice Are You Test...

You are Sage!

0% Habanero, 30% Sage, 10% Thyme, 20% Ginger, 10% Garlic, 20% Curry, 0% Cinnamon and 10% Oregano!

Sage is a very classic herb. You tend to use intelligence in making decisions instead of brute force.

You are the type of person that people want to get to know and be friends with. You don't feel as if you have to impress people because you tend to be very self assured.

At a party you would be happy to just sit in the corner and watch people, or perhaps find someone to have an intelligent conversation with.

You prefer to think before you act, as you are rather analytical. You can be both dazzling and graceful. People tend to notice you without you trying to make it happen.

You may not be religious, but you are very spiritual. You desire relationships that last rather then passing ones.

Take What Spice Are You Test at HelloQuizzy

My Command!

2008-11-13T23:47:00.001-08:00

Your result for Which Star Trek Ship Should You Command? Test...

Galaxy Class!

30% Flight_Control, 30% Tactical, 20% Science and 70% Command!

Congratulations! You have been assigned a Galaxy Class vessel! This class of starship is the top of the line when it comes to Command facilities and diplomatic amenities. It is perfect for any sort of mission of diplomacy!

Take Which Star Trek Ship Should You Command? Test at HelloQuizzy

My SteamPunk Style

2008-11-13T23:42:00.001-08:00

Your result for The Steampunk Style Test...

The Explorer

36% Elegant, 48% Technological, 40% Historical, 76% Adventurous and 14% Playful!

You are the Explorer, the embodiment of steampunk’s adventuring spirit. For you, clothing should be rugged and reliable, and just as functional as it is attractive. You probably prefer khaki or leather, and your accessories are as likely to include weapons as technological gizmos. You probably wear boots and gloves, and maybe a pith helmet. Most of what you wear is functional, and if you happen to wear goggles people had better believe that you use them. In addition to Victorian exploration gear, your outfit probably includes little knickknacks from your various travels. Above all, you are a charming blend of rugged Victorian daring and exotic curiosity.

Try our other Steampunk test here.

Take The Steampunk Style Test at HelloQuizzy

Kissing test

2008-11-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

Your result for The OkCupid Kissing Test...

The Vixen

You are 74% Passionate, 36% Romantic, and 67% Experienced!

You Naughty Thing!

Well, well, well, Ms. Vixen. You've got the highest Passion score among the female kissing types, and you seem to be rather experienced as well. Your scores in Romance aren't as high, which suggests that you're more interested in the erotic and physical aspects of kissing than the emotional ones. You revel in the different textures, tastes and techniques of whoever you happen to be kissing at the moment, and you're a fantastic kisser yourself. You're creative, and like to mix up the makeout with unexpected, flirty moves. You're definitely a committed, passionate kisser. You just might not feel as passionate post-kiss. It's not that you can't get attached... it's just not the FIRST thing you do. And you do that first thing extremely well. We say more power to you. And, um, what are you doing Friday night?

If you're looking for good-spirited makeout fun, we recommend your male counterpart, The Rogue. Good secondary smooch options include The Smooth Operator and The Flirt. Avoid The Traditionalist like the Plague. Trust us.

See all of the other results here:

Take The OkCupid Kissing Test at HelloQuizzy

Marilyn or Jackie? Or someone else?

2008-11-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.

* Be confident, strong, and direct.

* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

* Give me space to be alone.

* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant

* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

* being courageous, straightforward, and honest

* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

* never forgetting injuries or injustices

* putting too much pressure on myself

* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

* are sometimes loners

* seize control so they won't be controlled

* figure out others' weaknesses

* attack verbally or physically when provoked

* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

* are sometimes overprotective

* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

That was wierd

2008-11-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

My page format seems to have eaten itself! Whatever shall I do!?

I KNow!!

I'll shrug and go on with my day as if it doesn't matter all that much. After work I will fix it. Yeah. That's the ticket. There's nothing like procrastination to soothe a problem.

My Key Signature

2008-11-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

Your result for What's your key signature?...

C# Major

C Sharp. C sharp run. Run sharp, run!

Congratulations, you’re C# Major, and you’re actually SHARPER than a tack. C# Major is a key most musicians don’t even bother talking about, since it’s so damn strange to play. No instrument is immediately drawn to playing in C# Major, and the small amount of songs that do manage to get the distinction of being written in that key normally just get called Db Major instead because it’s “easier to think about.” So what is there going for C# Major? It’s the only key where every single note is sharp rather than having any flats, double sharps, etc. It is an easy fix to play when you’re trying to transpose out of something boring like C Major, as well. This key is even almost an inside joke to musicians, making it the key of a song just to screw with their band mates. Good fun for all.

Well, then! You must be one oddball individual to get this key. You’re the type of person who would go out naked and dance through the sprinklers… in the middle of February. And there’s nothing wrong with that, individuality is a trait most people sorely lack. Just… tone it down a bit in front of the more normal of us, please?

SONG EXAMPLE: Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley (No, seriously!)

INTERESTING TIDBITS:

* Harp players especially hate this key because the pedals on a harp all must be put into the bottom position, causing almost no resonance through the strings.

* Some (very few, though) piano teachers actually say that C# Major is easier to play than C Major and teach it at the start of curriculum. Take THAT, C Major!

Take'>http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/whats-your-key-signature">Take What's your key signature? at

The First Black President in US History

2008-11-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I voted for him. I was one of few in my area who did. Some vote straight Republican ticket no matter what. Some had race issues. Some were feminists who voted for Palin just because she had boobs.

I sincerely hope Obama really does enact change. In a way that is good for the people of the country and not the usual special interest crap.

Not a lot of hope. But at least a glimmer off a lightning bug's butt.

That's something right?

A new group

2008-10-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

On my facebook I just joined a group for people with the same first and last name as myself. So far their are twelve of us!
How wierd is that?

I didn't see THAT coming.

2008-10-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

The neighbor across the street is single. I only just became aware of this fact last month or so. I thought he was still married though now I know he's been divorced for a year.

Even still, I had thought he was completely opposite of the type of man I generally enjoy. Turns out, he's very similar to my type.

He's training for the UFC, with pictures of bouts proudly displayed on his walls. He's passionate about it. But not flauntingly so. He does it for him.

He has a quick mind and an even quicker smile.

And he's sweet. Whenever the folks ask for help or need help in an obvious way, he comes right over and helps gladly.

He also happens to be fantastic in the sack. I mean, holy wow, that man got it goin' ON. To have that dry spell broken unexpectedly by someone who was actually GREAT at it was so incredibly amazing. I must have done something right. Yay Karma!

Lonely again...

2008-10-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

I bought a new bed because I needed the space and the eldest needed a place to sleep too. So I got a twin size with atrundle. This gives us both a bed while cutting down on space used.

It alos makes it finite that I sleep alone and will do so indefinitely. It is very depressing to think on. I look around me and see people who are horrible to their significant others and yet they are never alone. It seems strange to me. If THEY can find someone, how horrible must I truly be to be incapable of doing so myself?

I know that's just feeling sorry for myself. And the depression talking. But it also holds a kernel of truth.

They say every woman has the relationship she truly wants.

Do I want to be unloved? I don't know. I really don't. I want the thrill of passion, but more and more I crave the steady warm glow of familiarity as well.

It hardly matters. What I want doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any direction. Nothing for it but to just keep going as I am.
Alone. Without hope for change.

Interlude........

2008-10-22T04:31:00.001-07:00

I will continue with the Disaster Relief trip tales, but first a brief outpouring of other crap.

Last night I talked with the night manager, letting him know that his comment about needing me to stay where I was screwed me out of that set schedule I was after. He actually apologized! I nearly fell over.
We both agreed it was likely for the best. But it was nice for him to acknowledge that he didn't exactly help me get what *I* wanted. Unfortunately now I have to actually DO what he thinks I am going to do to help him.
*sad sigh*

I fell at work the other day and really bruised myself up badly. Everything aches, especially my ribs. I was very fortunate not to have broken anything. But it still hurts to move.

I have a new tattoo that looks fantastic. Calla Lilies on my left ankle. I will post pictures later.

Okay. That is all I can think of right now. I'm going back to bed.

The Retelling Continues............

2008-10-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Day two.

We wake. The night before, the hotel had presented us with a lasagna and a salad for dinner. We were NOT impressed. So imagine our surprise when we came down at six am to find a breakfast buffet that took two buffet tables.

The hot table had scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, turker bacon, french toast, biscuits and gravy and, of course, an omelet station. Coffee was everywhere.

The second buffet table held six pitchers of juice including cranberry, tomato, apple, two orange, and grapefruit. They also had muffins, croisants, bagels, danish, plain old bread next to a toaster. There was yogurt, strawberries, blackberries, fresh cut pineapple and cantalope. They even had milk cartons and little boxes of cold cereal as well as an oatmeal station with brown sugar, granola, raisins and butter.

If you left hungry, it was your own fault.

We went to a different store, where we all split up to help in the departments in which we had the most experience. Fortunately, our group had someone from nearly every department. Only the appliances were not represented and *I* can do those. Many of us were busy just putting merchandise where it belonged. Having half your manpower not be able to work makes it difficult to work your frieght.

At lunch we all met in the break room to eat our box lunches. One of the ladies, and I say that to be nice, from that store was in the breakroom and said, with the entire group of forty people looking on, that no one in her store wanted us there. Some of the more outspoken ladies in our group took offense to that. Our captain decided it was time for us to move to a different store.

So we called our faithful driver who picked us up and delivered us to the Kema store.

This became our "base". We spent the rest of Friday there. And I mean that. We left that store at Midnight. But I get ahead of myself.

We show up at the Kema store around five thirty. This store is a very brief drive from Galveston itself. I believe the manager said seventy five percent of her people lost their homes. So they were VERY short on people and trying to help the community put itself back together.

Our team started at the far end of the store, where the lumber and base building materials were and started working. Two reach trucks and two fork lifts stayed busy all night. Everyone worked closely together making sure we stayed safe.

Around nine the Austin team came in, adding ten more people to the team. And those guys worked themselves in seamlessly. On our last full day we worked with several other teams and Austin was the only one who didn't feel competitive. Just a bunch of people doing what needed doing.

When we left, most of us were covered in concrete dust from the eternal cloud that had been kicked up as we cleaned. I was still sneezing that stuff when we got back at the close of that week. All of us were sweating and straining but it was GOOD sweat and everyone was laughing and enjoying the work.

I cannot say enough how wonderful it was to work with people who have similar work ethics to my own. Even thinking about how great that week was makes me misty eyed.

Disaster Relief....the Retelling

2008-10-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

We all met in Irving to board our bus. Forty people from fifteen different stores. The groups of people from the same stores all sat together, naturally. Only the most outgoing chatted with the new faces.

I took my crocheting for the drive. Four hours is a lot of stitches. I had no seatmate and was able to stretch out.

We found out later that we were fortunate indeed. None of the other groups got a VIP bus with big screen televisions and a bathroom. We even had a dedicated driver. His only purpose was to get us from A to B to C. Most got ten passenger vans and had to drive themselves.

We had two leaders and an equal distribution of genders. Twenty men, twnety women. I do not remember a single shy personality. I noticed that none of the groups held 'quiet' people. Most had shirts and paraphenalia from other activities in which they volunteered.

I have come to the conclusion that people willing to give their time and resources in big chunks like that are NOT in it for the money. It felt so good to be surrounded by people who genuinely wanted to HELP others.

Anyhoo....

The drive down to Houston was fairly quiet with people keeping to their own groups. Our fearless leader was NOT quiet, but I work with him in my job and can attest that he doesn't know how to ramp down the energy. His co-captain WAS the quiet type, but only in the "I don't need to raise my voice to be heard" type of way. Together, they were a much better team than they are given credit for.

When we arrived at our hotel, The Marriot, it took about an hour for everyone to get their room assignments. Organisation was a bit of a problem for our "organisers". And the silly captain thought he could just name of women and room them with whoever.

Pay attention here, gentlemen. You can NOT board just any two women together. You will most assuredly regret such a decision with swift vehemence.

After the ladies rearranged the roomate situation to OUR liking (Something NONE of the men did, by the way), everyone settled their things. I changed my clothes and re-applied Deo for my BO. I mean, it was a nice bus, but it was still a bus. It is just polite to not stink.

I just want to note that none of the women complained about their roomates during the trip. The men had complaints nearly every morning. It really surprised me how little tolerance men have for the snoring of other men.

Off we go to local stores to begin helping. It is only one and we have all day yet that we can work. They decide to split us up into two teams. The quiet captain gets the first stop. The loud one aks for twenty people to please step off the bus. I disembark with thirteen others. The bus moves on. (Did you note the difference in numbers?)

We go into the store and are instantly aware that this place is in desperate need of just any hands at all. There are no aprons on the floor. A manager was running the fork lift and in the five hours that we were there I think I saw him leave that seat one time. Customer after customer was buying pallets and units of lumber and shingles and fencing. The things you need for large quantity repairs.

I know that my group headed for the floor in the center of the store, but I stayed where we started. While we had been waiting for the captain to let the store manager know we were there, I could see a safety issue and decided to just fix it. So I did. Then that pointed out another and another. It just sort of cascaded so that I worked Lumber for the day.

I loaded concrete and stacked fence pickets and crunched numbers with my trusty orange plushie calculator. I pulled in carts and talked a couple of my passing team members into helping since there was not a single cart in the building for customer use. I laughed with men who kept asking where the big burly men were until I tossed an eighty pound bag of concrete up into their pickup.

I accepted cold bottled water from one such customer. That was REALLY nice of him, considering that the tap water was still unsafe and drinkable water was still costing money. And every time I walked through the doors, I smiled or joked with the people there who were from that store.

They looked stressed and harried and I felt for them. I know how it feels to be in that position. To be so busy that you can't even get a second to take a drink and the customers just get more and more angry because they can't get any help. So I helped. Because that was what I was there to do.

The humidity was still pretty high. The day was warm. I took a break once to cool off in the break room and drink my water. The cashier I'd been joking with came in, her shift finally over. The poor girl couldn't have been more than twenty. She saw me and she smiled. A big wide smile that took up her whole face. I smiled back. How can you not?

"I saw you out there. You really have a lot of energy!" She said. "Watching you working so hard and you just kept going out and coming back to do it again... and you are so happy... it really made me feel like there's some hope to this. It made me want to keep going. Thank you."

In the first five hour shift, helping in a store that took little damage but lost most of its work force, just being who I am, I made a difference. I smiled at that little girl. I told her we had come to help. She doesn't know it, but she made that trip for me. And it had only just begun.

That evening, it was joked on that the second group of people had been more than half. People began reaching out to each other. Chatting outside of the groups with whom they were familiar. Even amongst the teams from other states. Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio. Even a team from Austin. Actually, the Austin team was AWESOME. Ten guys who were funny as all get out.

Our people pretty much occupied the whole hotel. Which can hardly be a shocker considering that the Marriott RAISED THEIR RATES for the "special event" that was the hurricane. Yes, that is correct folks. At a time when people were made homelesss by a disaster, the Marriot hotel doubled the cost of a place to sleep. The double room in which I slept was two hundred and forty nine dollars.

If you do the math, that means that my team alone cost the company about sevety five thousand dollars to room and feed. The hotel fed us very well by the way. The breakfast buffet was the best. But still.... I found it galling that in such a situation the company took advantage. I shouldn't be surprised, but I was.

So that was the first day.

Rambling Along

2008-10-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

I called in to work on Tuesday. I woke up, looked at the clock and said... "I can't do this."

There was no prevaricating or hesitation. I simply picked up my cell and called to say I wouldn't be in. Then I went back to sleep. Yes, I will have a smaller paycheck because of it. And that will hurt. But all in all, I think it was worth it.

I don't work today or tomorrow. I work early on Friday. And Firday at six I get my ankle tattoo finished! I have the appointmet set. I am looking ofrward to the pain. At least it won't be boring.

When I forget who I am..........

2008-10-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know what i was thinking. I suppose I was riding that euphoric wave from the Disaster Relief trip. I worked hard with a group of people who worked just as hard. We all got along. No back biting (mostly... I mean if you put twenty women together there will be some natural hen pecking). But it was a good week that made me feel as if I knew what I was doing for a change.

I spoke with the "date" and he decided to just come meet me after I got off work. But he never showed up. And I haven't heard from him since. I was REALLY disapointed this time because I held back nothing with this guy and he seemed interested.

He KNEW all he had to do was show up and he was in there. And they say women are fickle!

My ego has taken all the blows it can this year. No more "dates" for me. They don't show up.... so why bother with the pretense.

"Hey, babe. What are YOU doing Friday night?"

"Not getting stood up again, I can tell you that."

I am in my sexual prime and it is being wasted. This really is depressing. But there is nothing I can do about it. So might as well quit whining.
*heavy sigh*

I am working on a drastic diet plan to get these pesky thirty pounds off that won't go away. They appeared when I quit smoking and no matter what I do they won't. Come. Off!

We'll see what happens.

The Hot Tub is up

2008-10-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

...and running. I 'tested' it out this afternoon. Man, did that feel good.

I have a date on Friday which I made thinking I had the evening to myself. Nope. I have to work.
Dammit!

But wait! All is not lost! I have two days to plead with someone to trade with me. PPLLLEEEEEASE trade shifts so I can get a little action? I promise, by all that is holy, I will be a nicer person for it! I swear!

We'll have to wait and see what happens. Because this guy...... so worth the effort.

Multilingual, clever, sexy. Long dark hair with big dark eyes. Num num nummy!

Disaster Relief Trip

2008-10-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

I do not have time to put down all that I have seen and experienced. But I will.

Soon.

Mulling over things

2008-09-17T21:49:00.001-07:00

I thought the title Literary Mom was so clever. I WANT to be a literary name. I always have.
I enjoy tattoos and piercings so Ink and Steel fit too.

But none of those things by themselves are who I am. They help define me when added together, but they still don't give the whole picture. I'm still learning this.

These past three years have healed a great many gaping wounds I had no idea how to even classify, much less address. I guess time really does heal.

Who knew?

Commentary

2008-09-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah. That second one, Ink and Steel was about being really angry. Major feelings of impotence.
I still have that roller coaster ride in my head. I'm just not ashamed of it anymore.

Ink and Steel and Soul Freedom

2008-09-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Friday, February 25, 2005

A Nod to the Good Ones
Okay. I will admit that one man in threehundredfiftysixthousandfourhundredsixtytwo IS NOT a selfish, muddled, arrogant, jerkfaced prick.One.But that's all the ground I'm giving. And all of THEM are looking for someone like them so it's not like most women (like me) have a chance to bag em anyway. They might as well not exist.So they will no longer be a part of my rambling diatribe.So there.